| 21 May 2009
Most of us here at the AC offices enjoy playing video games. Yeah, that may be somewhat of an understatement. Thrillho, Kindogg and I have been playing video games since we were swimming in our's mother's womb. We are both sons of former jocks, and in my case, my dear old Pappy is a jock-turned-nerdy MMORPG player. Seriously, it's a good thing my dad is seven foot tall and has a large gun collection, because I could see him getting sand kicked in his face...
Anyway, I digress somewhat. As is my usual fucking custom. My stupid point is I am quite a video gamer. I have wasted a lot of my life playing video games. TIme I could have spent, I don't know, maybe practicing sports or making better music or paying attention to the wife and kids. I have enjoyed so many awesome games over so many wasted years. Some of them made such an impact on my burnt-out psyche that I would love to see them remade using today's rapidly advancing technology. With every stupid Hollywood producer remaking every movie they can, the time seems somewhat ripe to remake a much more imaginative and viable medium. Here's some choices for my list:
Mail-Order-Monsters
I am guessing the majority of you readers don't have a clue what the fuck I'm talking about with most of these games. You are all either too young or just plain clueless. Which I understand. Ask me about fucking micro-brews and I will drool at you and tell you to fuck your sister or something. But ask the Hoppy Professor if he has ever played with a Commodore 128 and he will drool at you and tell you to "Go screw, eh?". The man is a Doctor of LOVE, dammit! The sad thing is, this particular game rocked so fucking hard it was scary. Long before Pokemon or Yugi-Oh! or shit like that was this cool Mail Order Monsters game where you created, bought and sold different types of monsters to battle each other in cool, 8-bit fields of utter carnage. Other modes include capture the flag and a mode called horde in which your monster had to remove a bunch of mini-monsters called the horde before your opponent did. Delivered fresh from a then-young Electronic Arts when they had a "C" in their logo, too many games have ripped this sumbitch off. This game should return to take back it's legacy and wow the shit out of unbelievers. Even if E(C)A adds a faggot story mode or something I wouldn't give a shit because the customization options would be ENDLESS. And the battlegrounds could be so awesome. An online feature could let folks buy and sell additional monsters with each other. And if EA was smart enough to keep free downloadable content flowing (hahaha FREE) then the replay value would be endless!
Archon
Another game that is shockingly close to obscurity despite being an all-time classic on almost every computer system it was released on. At first glance Archon looks like another hokey chess game with spruced-up pieces but as soon as you start trying to take squares shit get real. Battle scenes come to life and your pieces kick each other's ass just like that game Chewbacca and RD-D2 played in Star Wars. I've heard tell that some college folk have redone this classic battle chess game with updated graphics. If so, link me! But so much more could be done. Adding more RPG elements and cool animations similar to Final Fantasy summonings would be incredible.
Syndicate
This game from the legendary developers Bullfrog was pure badassness. It was set in a futuristic world controlled by battling corporations who used cyborgs to kill each other to take over territories, sabotage their rivals, and various other nefarious missions. Bleak and disturbing, this game had vector-based graphics that were well ahead of it's time. There was a semi-decent sequel, Syndicate Wars, but I'd like to see a full-on update, possibly 3rd person view or something even more clever.
Battletoads
LOL INTERNETZ MEME LULZY CALL UP YER LOCAL GAMESTOP AND ASK FOR IT! You know what? This fucking game was HARD. HARD as Mark Walberg could not get at the end of Boogie Nights. But it was fun and unique and explored virtually every facet of 8-bit NES platforming available. Jumping? Check. Fighting? Check, like 5 different styles! Vehicle riding? Check. A great game. Remake that shit so the Internet 4Chan faggots stop torturing poor GameStop employees by asking for copies of it.
Deus Ex
Too soon? Rape me for this but if you don't want to out and out remake the damn thing then at least make a sequel that will keep the original game's awesome action/rpg game play whilst adding some updated graphics. The sequel sucked, and even you OG Deus Ex fanboy faggots can agree on that. Though you probably won't. Which is why you are such huge faggots. The likes of which would embarrass even Adam Lambert with the utter faggotosity. This debating stuff is easy! Counterpoint? UPDATE: I guess they ARE making a sequel!
Kid Icarus
Most folks despise this game for it's complete and utter difficulty, but I always held a soft spot for the cutesy Nintendo retelling of the classic Greek Mythology of Icarus. Those crazy Japanese don't quite get the story right. Eggplant King? Right...But this was still a super-fun game, with a difficult yet interesting flying mechanic. Sure it was a pain in the ass, but so was God of War, and that fucker spawned like 4 other shit games! Imagine this game redone on an epic scale. It must still retain the cute though. God of War already has the angsty-greek department covered.
Wasteland
I love this game. I want it to have my babies. Wasteland is the granddaddy of the post-apocalyptic RPG genre. All of the Fallout games owe a debt to it, and freely acknowledge as much with such things as weird old Moira sending you off to obtain the Wasteland Survival Guide. Whereas Fallout always seemed somewhat bland, Wasteland was colorful and VIOLENT. Thankfully the game came out before the existence of the stupid rating system so a young Smokey could scar himself with crazy images and descriptions like "Raider gets blown up like a BLOOD SAUSAGE". The story of this game is pretty cool. Instead of being some vault-dwelling goofball you are a desert ranger, the last of any sort of universal law-and-order in a post-nuclear world. You uncover more and more crazy stuff, until you stumble upon a Terminator-style plot involving robots attempting to take over what's left of the world. This game was very much text-dependent, so right then and there it could be made more fantastic by taking the original sprite-based concepts and expanding on them with glorious 3D models. Mmmm. This is the game I really want to see. And it is probably the least likely to ever get done. Fallout took this game's concepts, calling itself a "spiritual successor" to Wasteland. I call it a pale comparison.
So there you have it, friend-o. I plan to keep this keep this concept going, So please give a brother some ideas in the comments section! Thanks for your important time. Now go back to playing video games!
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Comments (2)
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I've always said they should make a sequel to Bionic Commando, now they did! Looks pretty sweet to me.
Watch this trailer and tell me you don't wet your pants.
http://www.gametrailers.com/video/launch-trailer-bionic-commando/49391
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Bionic Commando
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