| 08 May 2009
Frank Miller. Chris Claremont. Klaus Johnson, Al Milgrom, Jim Lee. Len Wein and John Romita. Larry Hama, John Byrne and Adam Kubert.
So many greats have helped produce the great Wolverine stories from the past. And man, were they fun to read. Though he was a short guy that somewhat resembled your high school's favorite custodian, you could fully believe Wolvie could kick some serious ass.
Wolverine(friends call him Logan) had a mysterious past. We knew he was Canadian, and worked for every government in North America. We also learned he was part of a super-soldier/weapons program. He was called Weapon X. Another sweet, sweet name.
Then shit got stupid. First Marvel Comics decided to give Wolverine an early origin in which he lived on a plantation then decided he would always be getting his memory wiped by different sources, including Professor X himself, whom Wolverine was originally sent to assassinate. Huh? Why can't they just let the original story of a gruff veteran joining a group of freaks stand?
Then came the movies. Lots of people love these things but I'm fairly meh to the first one. The second I kind of like. The third one...sometimes entertaining but overall stupid. All of them featured a tall, handsome Wolverine who seemed to get his ass kicked all the time. Seriously. Watch the fucking movies again and tell me that except for a few parts of part 2 Hugh Jackman is more just a glorified punching bag.
So here we have the new movie focusing on Wolverine in the Weapon X program. Although I don't think it's called the Weapon X program. I thinks it's going to be called Operation Poop Dome or something similar. And I got free tickets to review this thing. And since I'm a week late Thrillho will withhold my writing salary. So without any more fucking fanfare here's my review of the new X-Men shitfest...
It's been done before. So many times. Wow, this movie is so cliched it's terrifying. Let me describe he general movie cliche bullshit you will find in this film:
- Obligatory hero holding dead girlfriend in his arms while screaming towards the air sequence.
- Scene where tough guy hero talks to severely wounded minor bad guy, decides at first not to kill him, but spurned on by villain's smart mouth, does so anyway, casually turning his back to the villain as the whole kit and kaboodle EXPLODES!!! BOOM!
- Montage of action, this one happens through the years...
- A hero character telling the main villain, "I should kill you, but that would make me no better then you" even we know that by killing the villain it would solve a shitload of fucking grief for the whole world! This happens like three times, the last time being the most gratuitous and stupid.
- Twisty-turny girlfriend that sells you out yet really DOES love you despite fucking you over for what amounts to a pretty weak reason.
- Corrupt government agents.
- Am-fucking-nesia. FUCK.
There's annoying fan favorite Deadpool, played by annoying actor Ryan Reynolds. How this guy puts his penis in ScarJo I have no clue. But he sure lacks any kind of charisma here. Will.I.Am delivers about as much charisma to the movie as he does to his music. You can be the judge of that one.
This review is lazy and uninspiring. I admit that. But so was this movie. It has further tarnished the legacy of a once-great character. There is some decent action to be found, but overall his move is so by-the-numbers it made me cringe.
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WHAT THE FUCK!?
What this movie needed most was a good villain. Striker is pretty weak as the antagonist here. With so many good villains to choose from in the x-men world why did marvel choose the one guy who was the villain in the last x-men movie? At least in that one he was trying to destroy all mutants (that's at least a little super-villainy)
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