| 05 May 2009
Only by facing down his challenges can a man grow. With that in mind, I confronted the Herculean task of watching Vincent Gallo's 2003 film The Brown Bunny. For years I'd known about it, my curiosity piqued by descriptions of a particularly graphic sex scene and how awful I heard the movie was. One person I know who saw it said it was ultimately the worst film out there in the universe and so watching it would be something akin to skydiving because it would involve a lot of preparation. Recently, after two good friends of mine set out to watch all 59 Val Kilmer movies, I figured it couldn't be that terrible. Boy was I wrong. I do believe I have seen the most worthless movie in all of creation. 
Brown Bunny bombed at its Cannes premier when hundreds of viewers stood up and walked out of the screening, prompting critic Roger Ebert to call it the worst movie in the festival's history. The self-obsessed and solipsistic drama was far too hollow for even an obligatory acclaim by independent film fans who sometimes embrace shit out of a sense of obligation.
The review sparked a war of words between the critic and writer/actor/director Vincent Gallo, who insulted Ebert for his weight problem. Ebert then vowed to lose weight and get thin but noted that Gallo would always be known as the director of Brown Bunny. Rarely does a movie, regardless of how bad it is, get more attention for its review than its substance. Gallo put a lot of effort into this turd of a film, writing its script, playing the lead role and directing (which meant pointing the camera at himself to suit an incredible ego.)
Since I was familiar with the notorious scene involving Chloe Sevigny performing unsimulated fellatio on Gallo, I decided to get it out of the way. In the world of XXX videos the scene would certainly be considered light weight, but in a regular movie it's heavy stuff and shocks the sensibilities. Instead of waiting for it, I went to scene selection and got it out of the way. It was boring, actually, but not nearly as boring as everything before and after it. It was sad that Sevigny will be known for always for this film. Despite the fact that she does a great job as the manipulative daughter of a cult leader on the HBO series Big Love, she will unforunately always be associated with this movie.
It would be a stretch to say Brown Bunny tells a story in any sense of the word. From its first scene it is awkward, off-putting and alienating. This is probably the only movie that could make a motorcycle race seem slow. Brown Bunny is about Bud Clay (Gallo), a professional motorcycle racer who makes a cross country trip ostensibly to confront his ex-girlfriend Daisy (Sevigny). We only learn this through painful exposition brought about by Bud's torturously slow and repetitive dialogue with insignificant characters.
As he sets out on his trip, Bud - who has the charisma of a paperweight - approaches a female gas station attendant, locks eyes with her, makes awkward conversation and then asks if she would like to travel to the Golden State with him. When she declines he implores her in this whiny tone that sets up his character for the remainder of the movie: "pleeeassse". She agrees, but he leaves her at her grandparents' house while she goes in to get clothes. 
The remainder of the film is mostly a driver's angle view of long stretches of highway seen from Clay's black pervert van. Whenever he interacts with someone - like Daisy's grandmother - it is slow, awkward and completely uninteresting. Clay's brooding personality only adds to his character's lack of accessibility. We learn from his interaction with daisy's grandmother that he grew up next door. He takes interest in a brown bunny Daisy owned. Instead of picking it up or petting it, he asks this confused old woman over and over again about the critter in a whiny tone. Every time he says the word bunny I wanted to vomit. It was so incredibly awkward and off-putting. There is nothing about Bud Clay that is in anyway relatable, tolerable or more importantly, likeable (which is not coincidentally the reaction a lot of folks have to Gallo).
Throughout his cross country trip, the gloomy Bud says almost nothing and certainly nothing of substance. At a rest stop somewhere in the Midwest he approaches a woman sitting at a picnic table, says hello, makes out with her and then sobs before getting back into his van. If a character is supposed to move a scene along through the vehicle of conflict, Bud Clay is driving not a van but a hatchback that doesn't get out of first gear. Bud's internal struggles are of no interest because we learn about them too slowly to form a bond with him.
At one point along his trip, Bud stops at the Booneville Salt Flats, hops on his motorcycle and rides out into the distance (in one very boring shot). I was hoping for a crash that would end the film but then remembered the blowjob scene that the movie was supposed to build up to. Naturally, this scene did little for the character and less for the viewer. Fortunately, I did learn a bit about the Booneville Salt Flats, but not from movie. Instead I read about them on Wikipedia.
When Bud arrives in Los Angeles, he drives up to several hookers on the side of the road only to turn down their solicitation. When he finally takes one of the ladies of the night on her offer, it's for lunch only. She eats some McDonald's French fries in the front seat and eventually he pays her and drives off.
Bud is unsuccessful at tracking his ex down at her abandoned house. She finds him instead at a motel where we learn she's a crack head.
Daisy tries to force conversation out of him, but the little pussy that he is, is far too distressed and hurt to talk. Instead, she blows him while he taunts her for being unfaithful. After he climaxes, Bud lays down and begins to cry like a wuss again. We learn from uncomfortably disjointed conversation and flashbacks that Daisy got high at a party, passed out and several dudes ran a train on her. Then we learn she was pregnant and miscarried...oh and that s
he's actually dead too, having asphyxiated on her vomit during the rape (incidentally, I almost chocked on my throw up watching this).
The movie ends with Bud back in the pervert van, driving to a track, presumably. It was about an hour-and-a-half of what must be the worst filmmaking of all time. The unanimous chorus of critics was correct: Brown Bunny was absolutely, laughably and remarkably awful. It wasn't the type of awful you get from movies that are terrible but watchable. On the contrary, it is hazardous to one's sense of sanity to try to interpret this movie. It really should be among the annals of the worst movies ever released. Watching it was a feat and I'm still patting myself on the back for not simply sitting through it, but admitting I did (with the help of the speed-forward feature on my DVD player during some of the driving scenes). I do feel now as if I have finally accomplished what I told myself I should do, which is to see if this movie was as bad as I was told. It met all expectations and then exceeded them. I am a stronger man for having sat through it.
Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
Comments (1)
Subscribe to this comment's feed...
Ed, I do believe this may be the most profound statement to use the automobile metaphor as plot advancement I've ever LOLed at. Thanks for waking up my wife, you faggot.
Also, did you know that the movie folks saw at Cannes was even MORE boring? A lot of the "exposition" scenes were added later to counteract the critical drubbing this piece of shit received. I couldn't believe that I sat thru twenty minute sof this shit myself. Gallo sucks, I didn't even like Buffalo '66.
-
- +0
-
-
