| 15 May 2009
There are just some songs that really get in my craw. One is Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando, another is Cry Like a Baby by the Box Tops. But for the most part, most of the music that makes my skin crawl is from the last 15 years. It seems that the music industry doesn't even bother making a soulful tune anymore. These songs are the very definition of mass produced garbage, extremely uninspired and sappy. Too often I hear them in public places as I shop for groceries, work out at the gym or wait in line in just about any place where I can expect to be for a while. Here's a sampling of that garbage.
The Way - Fastball -There are certain tunes that just press a button in me and this is certainly one of them. I can't even explain what it is or why but this song lights a torch anger inside me. It's always reminded me of a commercial jingle. I've probably heard it close to a thousand times since it came out my senior year in high school and my disdain for it has yet to subside and likely never will. Asides from the gym, it always seems to be on in a grocery store or any place I am waiting.
Desert Rose - Sting - This song debuted in the fall of 2000 and immediately solidified in my mind that Sting is one of the corniest entertainers in the world. I'm not really sure I know what the song is about or if I want to find out. What I know is that when he recorded it, Sting went for a very corny world music style. For years I thought he was accompanied by a Middle Eastern woman on this song, but just found out moments ago that it was actually Cheb Mami, an Algerian man. Regardless, this song has irked the shit out of me for nearly a decade.. I've heard it at every gym I've ever been to. It's filler music really, something to pass the time with. Interestingly, I just learned moments ago that XM Satellite Radio - of which I'm not a subscriber - plays this song during technical problems.
Mambo No. 5 - Lou Bega - It doesn't matter that Lou Bega was only emulating a pop trend of the late 1990's, in which artists drew on swing, rockabilly and Latin big band music to make annoying tunes. Even if he was only following the trend, he should not be excused for this. Though I'm not familiar with any other songs by Bega, but I'd put him up against the wall for this one. Absolutely annoying and certainly always on when I'm riding the exercise bike.
Zoot Suit Riot - Cherry Poppin Daddies - There are a lot of things humankind should feel red faced shame for, warfare, genocide, terrorism, torture, etc. Add to that list of awful manifestations the 1997 hit "Zoot Suit Riot". Inexcusable, is this song. It may have kicked off the whole throwback thing of the latter part of the decade. This is one of the few tunes in the world I absolutely cannot bear to listen to. If I have to cover my ears or run into the can or outside of a building to get away from it, I will do just that. I feel humiliated for my species when it's played. In no way am I exaggerating either. The song is just that disagreeable to me. It's like ipecac for the ears. What's even worse is that some folks actually dress up in 1940's club wear at Cherry Poppin Daddies shows. That means they actually spend the money to buy themselves a zoot suit and actually wear it in public. The thought horrifies me.
Jump Jive an' Wail - Brian Setzer Orchestra - Pretty much everything I've written about the previous song applies to this tune. It is like an ice cold chunk of salt being jabbed into a gaping wound on my thigh. That's really the best I can use to describe it. The "Swing Revival" of last decade was one of the worst things to happen in popular entertainment. Not only was it campy, syrupy and annoying, it was also thoughtless and unnecessary.
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith - In 2029 a large asteroid is supposed to come within perilous proximity of the Earth. Scientists don't believe it will make impact with our planet then, nor on its return trip seven years later. That may bring a sigh of relief to most people but consider this; if the asteroid did hit us, causing a calamitous disruption in the atmosphere and ending human existence, at least we could be sure that this song is never played again. A ballad style song, I Don't Want to Miss a Thing accompanied the 1998 disaster picture Armageddon. The music video for the song was also another excuse for leather faced Steven Tyler to show off his daughter Liv and promote this awful film. I have never been a particular fan of rock ballads and this one solidifies my dislike of the style. It also makes me wonder if an asteroid strike isn't the worst thing.
Someday - Nickelback - Comedian David Cross said of Creed,..errr,...Candlebox,...err Staind,...I mean Nickelback...that their music is written by 40-year-old men for 14-year-old girls. I can't think of a better description for this sappy and overly sentimental song. I first heard Someday about six or seven years ago. It played on the satellite radio system at a bookstore I worked at, probably about six or seven times a day at least. Right away it made me want to crap. Let's face it, landscaper rock has existed for two generations and isn't likely going anywhere. As long as there are guys who have trouble expressing their feelings for their girlfriends, this type of music will be in 
high demand. It's awful and this song is a perfect example of how bad this genre is. But even bad things have their up sides as well. The video for Someday - as sappy as it is - features someone being crushed by an oil truck, so I shouldn't complain too much.
Back 2 Good - Matchbox 20 - I'll start by saying I begrudge Rob Thomas nothing for being a highly popular and successful singer who is likely beloved by many women. I can't blame him for that. Who wouldn't want that? On the other hand, I will mark him up for being the troubadour of more than a decade of hackneyed, gushy crap music. He seems like a decent guy, sure enough, but Thomas is responsible quite a few songs that are about as deep as my wastebasket. I think Back 2 Good is about the temptation to cheat. Not too sure. Don't really care. The fact is, I've had to endure this song in public areas for years now and I'm tired of it.
Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla - Over the course of the last decade-and-a-half, I have heard this song many times. It's an unpardonable sin against art; so fantastically bottomless in its attempt to "make you think". I believe in God and I find thinking about his nature to be interesting. I also can name you at least ten songs about God that are about ten times better and infinitely less vacuous. This is the type of song that was invented for a music video. And by the way, the music video also says nothing.
Come Out and Play - The Offspring - A few months ago I met up with some friend's at the apartment of a college student who was doing yak and smoking weed. I wasn't around for too long, but long enough to be subjected to some awful pop-punk music. I ended up feeling rather old when the kid - probably about 22-years-old or so - put on Come Out and Play. It occurred to me that he was probably in kindergarten when this song came out and doesn't quite understand just how cheesy it is. It's sorta like the way some folks who were born in 1980 are into Badfinger or the Eagles. Either way, over the course of this song's life, my life has been affected by having to listen to it in public places. This song will always remind me of Ritalin-popping brat teenagers.
Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites
