Round 1 - Soggies Region

(1) Honey Bunches of Oats

Hey kids?  Do you like honey?  Of course you do!  Do you like to take a shit?  Why, I should hope so!  How about a giant rocket-ship flying through your asshole lined with pieces of nutty oats stuck to the turd as it flails into the potty?  MMM-mmm Honey Bunches of Oats satisfies the need for sweet-tooths with less guilt the say, Fruity Pebbles due to it's high-fiber content.  Oats!  WARNING: Not for old folks with sensitive or poorly-fitted falsies!

VS

(16) Fiber One

Fiber One takes all of the fun out of breakfast and replaces it with little maggot-shaped crunchy things that hurt both your teeth as well as your intestines.  If a prize was included in every box I imagine it would be something like an algebra textbook or a carpet sample.  There is, however, a strange flavor to be enjoyed and if you follow the box example and throw some berries up on that bitch you may just enjoy those little squiggles go down your throat and into your colon.

(8) Chex

Mmm...Rice Chex is one of the few "bland" cereals that is good enough to eat without much sugar.  Mostly because when you suck on it in your mouth with a little bit of milk, that shit melts nicely on your tongue.  Well, I better stop before I give Thrillho a boner, but my point is Rice Chex is definitely one of the better textured "healthy" cereals.

VS

(9) Go Lean Crunch

Another hippie cereal catered to the faggot Kashi crowd, GoLean is fairly bland, rice-cakey tasting shit that goes down easy enough if you spoon a little bit of sugar on the top.  Which defeats the purpose, I know.  Fuck off.

(4) Cocoa Puffs

This is a tough one because they've sorta fucked with the flavor of Cocoa Puffs over the years.  About ten years ago this shit would make everybody's sweet sixteen but nowadays it's a tougher sell.  You still can't front on the fact that it turns your milk into CHOCOLATE FUCKING MILK and that crazy bird staring at you on the box makes you want to eat the shit just so you can avoid going to the insane asylum.

VS

(13) Golden Crisp

Golden Crisp could be considered a "grown-up" sugared cereal in some ways.  Sure it has a stoner cartoon bear on the box but when I was a kid I didn't think those slug-looking things would be any good.  Neither do my kids.  But nowadays I'll be damned if my old old ass don't buy a box to fucking kill in one night after I copy Sugar Bear's motto of "Smoke and eat my shit, bitch!"  It's got crunch with punch.  Or something.

(5) Cocoa Krispies

When stacked up against it's somewhat bland older brother, CK wins hands-down, unless you hate chocolate or are diabetic or just suck ass.  But when stacked up against heavyweights such as Cocoa Puffs and Cocoa Pebbles, this may be a tougher sell.

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(12) Nutri Grain

What so you get when you peel off the boring bran coating from those semi-good nutri-grain bars, let it harden and add milk? Yep, you guessed it,this shit.  Sorta OK but mostly hard and boring, healthy folk think Nutri-Grain is the Bee's Knees

(2) Raisin Bran

Raisin Bran is another cereal it seems only old folks appreciate.  The bran flakes themselves are boring and unimaginative.  But the simple adding of raisins turns this concoction into the holy grail of awesome constipation remedies!  I can eat 3 bowls of this shit and spend an hour or two crapping out little happy suns spoon-feeding raisins to the masses out of my asses.  Don't do LSD, folks.

VS

(15) Alpha Bits

Lets be honest here, for a sugary cereal Alpha Bits is fucking BORING.  Admit it!  Sure, nerdy kids can spell their fucking names out in their spoons but whoop de fucking do!  Give me a pen and paper and I can do the same!  Even Alpha Bits themselves knows how boring they are.  Recent years have seen the addition of marshmallows and a chocolate flavor.

(7) Trix

"Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks!"  Oh, sorry, I was just scolding LWN about his recent adventures with homeless guys in the park.  Back to our pertinent topic at hand we have another cereal that has mutated over the years.  But whereas Cocoa Puffs and Cookie Crisp got worse, this shit got BETTER.  Some may disagree, but I personally feel the this cereal's evolution from bland rabbit-shit shaped fruit balls to full-blown super-sugary fruit shapes that color your milk pink was a wise move on General MIlls' part.  That rabbit should fucking kill those asshole kids, though, and that's why we seeded this shit so low...

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(10) Total

By all accounts, Total SHOULD suck ass.  100 percent vitamins and minerals?  Ewww...faggot cereal...but wait, It's-it's not bad at all!  Taste buds detect a slight hint of sweetness amongst those flakes!  Just don't eat more then three bowls of this shit, or you will piss aluminium or whatever it is you do when you OD on a daily vitamin.

(3) Cap'n Crunch

Tastier than old Chasey Lain porn and crunchier then her now meth-affected lips, you can't front on this shit.  While most of us do prefer the other variations once in a while we like to pour us a bowl of this shit and wait to see how long it takes to soften it up.  Which is, like NEVER.  Because it's fucking Cap'n Crunch, natch.  Bonus points for being responsible for the Find the missing Cap'n trend that colored my childhood with red-tinted decoders and Soggies.

VS

(14) Crunchy Corn Bran

Quaker's answer to Corn Chex looks and tastes pretty boring.  It's OK, sure, but the discerning cereal aficionado may wish to add a scoop of sweet, sweet sugar to spruce it up.

(6) Cocoa Pebbles

Also known as chocolate crack, this and it's gay sibling Fruity Pebbles have served as one of the longest licensed products in history simply due to the fact that they are so fucking good.  Kids and stoners alike will eat whole boxes of this shit if you don't keep a sharp eye out and ration wisely.  I'm not talking about little faggot boxes either.  I'm taking them big ass giant size mother fuckers with the yellow tops you get at big chain supermarkets.  Fuck yeah you know I'm talkin' about!  The fact that this shit is only a 6 seed has erased any of the lingering doubt in my mind that Kaplan is a raving faggot.

VS

(11) Fiber One: Caramel Delight

Putting perfume on a pig, Caramel Delight masks the boring branliness (I invented a word!) of the OG Fiber One but dashing some imitation caramel flavoring.  Not terrible, but more then one bowl will alert you to the taste of fakeness.  Also, your milk will turn piss-colored.  Eat at your own risk.