Written by Smokey McTrees
| 19 May 2009
 (1) Special K
Favorite of middle-aged women everywhere, Special K consists of light and fluffy flakes that have just a wee bit of flavor. This shit tries to sell itself by telling women with low self-esteem (all of them) that if you eat it you will lose weight. Unless it has a tape-worm surprise in every box, I highly doubt that is true.
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 (16) Shredded Wheat
If you ever want to chew on big hunks of shredded tastelessness then Shredded Wheat is for you. Science teachers use this shit to demonstrate how fiber is broken down into the body, so you know it MUST be good.
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 (8) Grape Nuts
Grape Nuts. Grape fucking Nuts. They don't taste like grapes, do they? Nor do they taste like nuts. Nope, instead they taste like slightly sweet chunks of hardness that should suck yet are strangely addictive. I'm not saying I'd eat these tooth-injuring motherfuckers on the regular, but I do dabble these nuts in my mouth on the odd occasion. What?
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 (9) Granola
Not great but not really bad Nature Valley granola cereal is one of the main ingredients in Goo Balls, sold at hippie festivals everywhere by weird-looking spacey chicks with long quilt dresses and angel wings. Pssst: The secret ingredient is marijuana...
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 (4) Kix
Kix is like what sugared cereals in hell will be like. Sort of sweet, but not enough to make a fucking difference, the clever marketing and friendly orange box has fooled many a dumb kid and clueless mom into trying and enjoying these little balls of sugarless torture for many, many years. Love that corn flava!
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 (13) Peanut Butter Crunch
Another great that has had it's formula fucked with in recent years, Peanut Butter Crunch is famous for staying crunchy in milk but melting oh so smooth in your mouth when you mix the stuff in your mouth with a bunch of milk, sucking away into a peanut-buttery sugar paste that is just oh-so-good. Still good as hell, but unfortunately ranked lower due to it's "spinoff" status. |
 (5) Oatmeal
Um. Does this even count? Can we call Oatmeal cereal? Judges? Ah, I see...we are discussing the INSTANT kind. I do so enjoy that shit. But if we are discussing regular flavor here, then that's a tough one, because regular tastes like regular fucking oatmeal which is pretty bland.
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 (12) Fruity Pebbles
The holy grail of cereal for everybody under 25, and everyone over who smokes lots of weed, FPs have spun-off from The Flintstones into one of the tastiest fucking cereals ever invented. This, my friends, is the closest you can come to cereal tasting like candy without actually being candy. How can this shit even CLAIM to be good for you? As with it's African-American sibling, FPs are best when eaten box by whole box.
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 (2) Fruit Loops
Thrillho told me to give this one a speical review becuase it is "close to his heart" whatever that means. How can anyone hate Furit Loops? I mean, unless you are deathly afraid of Toucans or ring-shaped cereal, this old stalwart has survived many flavor alerations to stand tall over mediocrity everywhere.
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 (15) Gorilla Munch
How can a cereal with a fucking retarded Gorilla on the box be so damn pretentious> Oh, I know! Make it ORGANIC! No additives here, this shit is grown free of any kind of chemical pesticides or miracle-gro bullshit. Did I mention it tastes like a faggoty Cap'n Crunch?.
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 (7) Oatmeal Crisp
Wow. Crispy Oatmeal. What a fucking great concept. Next.
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 (10) Count Chocula
Featuring a goofball Nosferatu on the box Count Chocula gets bonus points for having such a cool name. When this cereal came out a million Funk Bands wept at the thought of a major corporation coming up with a cooler name then they ever could.
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 (3) Life
I don't give a FUCK life (gotta have the small "l") is the SHIT! Semi-sweet but still so damn good this shit melts in milk right away giving everything in your bowl a slight taste of sugar-filled goodliness. While life seems boring it is strangely addicting, and you will soon find yourself pouring bowl after bowl to get more. life is the Vicodin of breafast cereal. Boring but addicitve.
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 (14) Oatmeal Squares
Let's put oatmeal into hard squares! Mmmm! And suck out all of the flavor! Fuck yes! This shit is best served to fat chicks who feel guilty about themselves.
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 (6) Golden Grahams
Golden Grahams are for folks who like sugary cereals but are truly afraid to commit to the "hard shit" like Fruity Pebbles. Sorta sweet and highly annoying, the best part of these graham-cracker tasting squares is how that melt in your mouth when mixed with tons of milk.
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 (11) Crispix
Crispix is still around? Wow! You sre? Yeah? Wel, OK. From what I can remember, Crispix is the combining of Corn and Rice chex into hexagonal-shaped nightmares that taste like ass and give you gas. Mmm...
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It's that time of year again when CEREAL must battle for breakfast table supremacy. Brackets will be formed. In-depth analysis of each head to head match-up will be given. A Champion will be crowned. Votes will be considered, but favorites will not always win; that's why we play the game. There are certain intangibles that cannot simply be measured on paper. We have recently learned that Colin Cowherd from ESPN has tackled this subject as well, however, we were disappointed at his lack of detail and presentation. Although his attempt is appreciated, some more thought is needed to determine how this might actually go down.
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