Round 2 - Group 1

(9) Granola

Not great but not really bad Nature Valley granola cereal is one of the main ingredients in Goo Balls, sold at hippie festivals everywhere by weird-looking spacey chicks with long quilt dresses and angel wings. Pssst: The secret ingredient is marijuana...

VS

(16) Shredded Wheat

If you ever want to chew on big hunks of shredded tastelessness then Shredded Wheat is for you.  Science teachers use this shit to demonstrate how fiber is broken down into the body, so you know it MUST be good.

(13) Peanut Butter Crunch

Another great that has had it's formula fucked with in recent years, Peanut Butter Crunch is famous for staying crunchy in milk but melting oh so smooth in your mouth when you mix the stuff in your mouth with a bunch of milk, sucking away into a peanut-buttery sugar paste that is just oh-so-good. Still good as hell, but unfortunately ranked lower due to it's "spinoff" status.

VS

(12) Fruity Pebbles

The holy grail of cereal for everybody under 25, and everyone over who smokes lots of weed, FPs have spun-off from The Flintstones into one of the tastiest fucking cereals ever invented. This, my friends, is the closest you can come to cereal tasting like candy without actually being candy. How can this shit even CLAIM to be good for you? As with it's African-American sibling, FPs are best when eaten box by whole box.

(2) Fruit Loops

Thrillho told me to give this one a speical review becuase it is "close to his heart" whatever that means. How can anyone hate Furit Loops? I mean, unless you are deathly afraid of Toucans or ring-shaped cereal, this old stalwart has survived many flavor alerations to stand tall over mediocrity everywhere.

VS

(10) Count Chocula

Featuring a goofball Nosferatu on the box Count Chocula gets bonus points for having such a cool name. When this cereal came out a million Funk Bands wept at the thought of a major corporation coming up with a cooler name then they ever could.

(3) Life

I don't give a FUCK life (gotta have the small "l") is the SHIT! Semi-sweet but still so damn good this shit melts in milk right away giving everything in your bowl a slight taste of sugar-filled goodliness. While life seems boring it is strangely addicting, and you will soon find yourself pouring bowl after bowl to get more. life is the Vicodin of breafast cereal. Boring but addicitve.

VS

(6) Golden Grahams

Golden Grahams are for folks who like sugary cereals but are truly afraid to commit to the "hard shit" like Fruity Pebbles. Sorta sweet and highly annoying, the best part of these graham-cracker tasting squares is how that melt in your mouth when mixed with tons of milk.

(1) Honey Bunches of Oats

Hey kids? Do you like honey? Of course you do! Do you like to take a shit? Why, I should hope so! How about a giant rocket-ship flying through your asshole lined with pieces of nutty oats stuck to the turd as it flails into the potty? MMM-mmm Honey Bunches of Oats satisfies the need for sweet-tooths with less guilt the say, Fruity Pebbles due to it's high-fiber content. Oats! WARNING: Not for old folks with sensitive or poorly-fitted falsies!

VS

(8) Chex

Mmm...Rice Chex is one of the few "bland" cereals that is good enough to eat without much sugar. Mostly because when you suck on it in your mouth with a little bit of milk, that shit melts nicely on your tongue. Well, I better stop before I give Thrillho a boner, but my point is Rice Chex is definitely one of the better textured "healthy" cereals.

(4) Cocoa Puffs

This is a tough one because they've sorta fucked with the flavor of Cocoa Puffs over the years. About ten years ago this shit would make everybody's sweet sixteen but nowadays it's a tougher sell. You still can't front on the fact that it turns your milk into CHOCOLATE FUCKING MILK and that crazy bird staring at you on the box makes you want to eat the shit just so you can avoid going to the insane asylum.

VS

(5) Cocoa Krispies

When stacked up against it's somewhat bland older brother, CK wins hands-down, unless you hate chocolate or are diabetic or just suck ass. But when stacked up against heavyweights such as Cocoa Puffs and Cocoa Pebbles, this may be a tougher sell.

(2) Raisin Bran

Raisin Bran is another cereal it seems only old folks appreciate. The bran flakes themselves are boring and unimaginative. But the simple adding of raisins turns this concoction into the holy grail of awesome constipation remedies! I can eat 3 bowls of this shit and spend an hour or two crapping out little happy suns spoon-feeding raisins to the masses out of my asses. Don't do LSD, folks.

VS

(7) Trix

"Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks!" Oh, sorry, I was just scolding LWN about his recent adventures with homeless guys in the park. Back to our pertinent topic at hand we have another cereal that has mutated over the years. But whereas Cocoa Puffs and Cookie Crisp got worse, this shit got BETTER. Some may disagree, but I personally feel the this cereal's evolution from bland rabbit-shit shaped fruit balls to full-blown super-sugary fruit shapes that color your milk pink was a wise move on General MIlls' part. That rabbit should fucking kill those asshole kids, though, and that's why we seeded this shit so low...

(3) Cap'n Crunch

Tastier than old Chasey Lain porn and crunchier then her now meth-affected lips, you can't front on this shit. While most of us do prefer the other variations once in a while we like to pour us a bowl of this shit and wait to see how long it takes to soften it up. Which is, like NEVER. Because it's fucking Cap'n Crunch, natch. Bonus points for being responsible for the Find the missing Cap'n trend that colored my childhood with red-tinted decoders and Soggies.

VS

(6) Cocoa Pebbles

Also known as chocolate crack, this and it's gay sibling Fruity Pebbles have served as one of the longest licensed products in history simply due to the fact that they are so fucking good. Kids and stoners alike will eat whole boxes of this shit if you don't keep a sharp eye out and ration wisely. I'm not talking about little faggot boxes either. I'm taking them big ass giant size mother fuckers with the yellow tops you get at big chain supermarkets. Fuck yeah you know I'm talkin' about! The fact that this shit is only a 6 seed has erased any of the lingering doubt in my mind that Kaplan is a raving faggot.