Written by Smokey McTrees
| 04 June 2009
(1) Cheerios
As the overall #1 seed in the tournament, Cheerios are a force to be reckoned with. They have it all; they're heart healthy, vitamin packed, and they even pack a mild fiber punch. They have that universal appeal of eat ability. Young children love them, senior citizens love them, and everyone else loves them. No matter where they play they'll always have home court advantage. They have moderate staying power; drenched in milk you will not have to rush through before the soggy monster appears. They may lack somewhat in sweetness, yet they're still delicious. They may even reduce your risk of death.
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(8) Cookie Crisp
Cookie Crisp is loaded with talent, but these guys are a bunch of thugs. The combination of cookie flavor and chocolate chips has the potential to be unstoppable, but their off the court antics could land their fans into trouble. They're not healthy at all. They may not have mass appeal but everyone knows who they are. Their howl is unique, and that dog and that cookie crook, in some eyes, are America's most wanted.
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(4) Apple Jacks
Apple Jacks are a sleeper at 4 seed with Cinderella potential. It's going to be tough going for them in a stacked division, but they have all the players. They basically rock. No one can be really sure where there strength is derived from; are there really apples in that stuff? Maybe it's loaded with Jack? It's an enigma, they have some vitamins, they surely have the sugar, they have the taste, and they seem to be able to carry the mass appeal. This is a team to watch.
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(5) Honey Nut Cheerios
It's unbelievable and yet fitting that Honey Nut Cheerios found its way into the same region as their parent and arch nemesis Cheerios. This sweet and vibrant counterpart has grown up to become a man, with the uncanny ability to stay young. That jolly bee can make even Ebenezer Scrooge smile; there's something to be said for that. Not all that healthy, but being affiliated with Cheerios gives them the ability to make others think differently. Certainly, they are unquestionably delicious.
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(2) Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Another sleeper pick from the General Mills conference, Cinnamon Toast Crunch has potential. The cereal is popular enough to warrant a spin-off cereal (also found in this group). Theie mascot isnt the most recognizeable, but its passeable. Look for Cinnamon Toast Crunch to come out playing and dont be surprised if they go deep in the field.
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(7) Cinnamon Life
Bitter about being the bastard younger brother or Original Life,and left out of its homecourt advantage in the Mikey Likes It Bracket, Cinnamon Life is looking for blood. While not as popular as Regular Life, and not as cinnamony sugary as Cinnamon Toast Crunch, it finds itself straddling the border of the healthy and sugary cereals. Picking up votes from both fanbases could give this one a boost.
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(3) Rice Krispies
Home court advantage is a powerful thing. When the bracket is named after your team you have to be going into your first round match with a big head. The only way Rice Krispies loses is if they let it get to their head. However, being the only cereal that can actually "talk", they should be able to give themselves a nice pregame pep-talk.
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(6) Raisin Bran Crunch
This matchup pits two spin-offs against eachother. Raisin Bran Crunch takes the simplistic formula of bran flakes and raisins and tries changing the formula to make a more sugary crunchiness to their flakes. Its a small, but noticeable change, and most still prefer the original formula. However, again the healthier cereal vs the sugary option may sway older voters.
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(1) Frosted Flakes
Taking the tired old "flake" concept and adding butt-loads of sugar, Tony the Tiger and Co. serve up one of the few sugary cereals that doesn't float in milk. You have to scramble to eat that shit, though, before the milk melts the frosting off and all you are left with is semi-sweet milk.
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(9) Honey Smacks
Closely related to Super Golden Crisp but possessing one crucial difference. A difference that could concievably win the whole tourney in my jaded eyes. This fucking frog-fronted franchise has the dubious distinction of making your pee smell like the cereal after you eat it. Think I'm fucking playing? Try it. I forgot all about this until Bubba the kindly robot singer from I AM ZEROES AND ONES pointed this out to me. Ah, sweet nostalgia...
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(4) Corn Flakes
Corn Flakes are the Neil Diamond of "healthy" cereal. Not as bad as, say Puffed Rice (Barry Manilow) but not nearly as good as Raisin Bran (Bob Dylan). Sure, it has it's die-hard fans but mostly it just sits there. It's really fucking boring. Which is strange because the guy who invented it was into giving enemas a lot and torturing mentally ill people.
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(5) Wheaties
"Better eat your Wheaties!" Micheal Jordan would shout this at me in my nightmares while he boned my mom right up da poopah. I never got the appeal of this crap. Wheaties were just an even more annoying corn flake, and despite having numerous sports heroes on the box, never made me jump higher or run faster.
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(2) Frosted Mini Wheats
While I cannot say I enjoy the taste of regular shredded mini-whates, I can confess to enjoying the frosted variety. the frosting is just right, and hits the spot. This cereal doe sfall under the "kilky kelt" syndrome, which means you have to hurry up and eat the shit before the milk melts all of the icing off.
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(10) Cream of Wheat
I'll admit that I love this awful, clumpy shit sometimes. I also love it's sketchy hispanic cowboy brother, Maypo. Gritty yet tasteless, Cream of Wheat goes down smooth like a nice, tall glass of Colt .45. And C of W has a higher alcohol content!
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(3) Lucky Charms
It's all about the marshmallows for this entry. With them otherwise boring cereal pieces are magically transformed into somewhat awesome pagan symbols of sweetness that hit your stomach like a horseshoe falling on your head.
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(6) Corn Pops
Corn Pops are awesome because you can eat them hard or let them sit in the milk and eat them soft. Somehow this gives them a slightly different flavor, which makes them almost two cereals in one! Many a box has been killed by curious stoners trying to see if they do in fact pop in your mouth when mixed with Mountain Dew.
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It's that time of year again when CEREAL must battle for breakfast table supremacy. Brackets will be formed. In-depth analysis of each head to head match-up will be given. A Champion will be crowned. Votes will be considered, but favorites will not always win; that's why we play the game. There are certain intangibles that cannot simply be measured on paper. We have recently learned that Colin Cowherd from ESPN has tackled this subject as well, however, we were disappointed at his lack of detail and presentation. Although his attempt is appreciated, some more thought is needed to determine how this might actually go down.
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