Sweet 16

(9) Granola

Not great but not really bad Nature Valley granola cereal is one of the main ingredients in Goo Balls, sold at hippie festivals everywhere by weird-looking spacey chicks with long quilt dresses and angel wings. Pssst: The secret ingredient is marijuana...

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(12) Fruity Pebbles

The holy grail of cereal for everybody under 25, and everyone over who smokes lots of weed, FPs have spun-off from The Flintstones into one of the tastiest fucking cereals ever invented. This, my friends, is the closest you can come to cereal tasting like candy without actually being candy. How can this shit even CLAIM to be good for you? As with it's African-American sibling, FPs are best when eaten box by whole box.

(2) Fruit Loops

Thrillho told me to give this one a speical review becuase it is "close to his heart" whatever that means. How can anyone hate Furit Loops? I mean, unless you are deathly afraid of Toucans or ring-shaped cereal, this old stalwart has survived many flavor alerations to stand tall over mediocrity everywhere.

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(6) Golden Grahams

Golden Grahams are for folks who like sugary cereals but are truly afraid to commit to the "hard shit" like Fruity Pebbles. Sorta sweet and highly annoying, the best part of these graham-cracker tasting squares is how that melt in your mouth when mixed with tons of milk.

(1) Honey Bunches of Oats

Hey kids? Do you like honey? Of course you do! Do you like to take a shit? Why, I should hope so! How about a giant rocket-ship flying through your asshole lined with pieces of nutty oats stuck to the turd as it flails into the potty? MMM-mmm Honey Bunches of Oats satisfies the need for sweet-tooths with less guilt the say, Fruity Pebbles due to it's high-fiber content. Oats! WARNING: Not for old folks with sensitive or poorly-fitted falsies!

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(4) Cocoa Puffs

This is a tough one because they've sorta fucked with the flavor of Cocoa Puffs over the years. About ten years ago this shit would make everybody's sweet sixteen but nowadays it's a tougher sell. You still can't front on the fact that it turns your milk into CHOCOLATE FUCKING MILK and that crazy bird staring at you on the box makes you want to eat the shit just so you can avoid going to the insane asylum.

(7) Trix

"Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks!" Oh, sorry, I was just scolding LWN about his recent adventures with homeless guys in the park. Back to our pertinent topic at hand we have another cereal that has mutated over the years. But whereas Cocoa Puffs and Cookie Crisp got worse, this shit got BETTER. Some may disagree, but I personally feel the this cereal's evolution from bland rabbit-shit shaped fruit balls to full-blown super-sugary fruit shapes that color your milk pink was a wise move on General MIlls' part. That rabbit should fucking kill those asshole kids, though, and that's why we seeded this shit so low.

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(6) Cocoa Pebbles

Also known as chocolate crack, this and it's gay sibling Fruity Pebbles have served as one of the longest licensed products in history simply due to the fact that they are so fucking good. Kids and stoners alike will eat whole boxes of this shit if you don't keep a sharp eye out and ration wisely. I'm not talking about little faggot boxes either. I'm taking them big ass giant size mother fuckers with the yellow tops you get at big chain supermarkets. Fuck yeah you know I'm talkin' about! The fact that this shit is only a 6 seed has erased any of the lingering doubt in my mind that Kaplan is a raving faggot.

(1) Cheerios

As the overall #1 seed in the tournament, Cheerios are a force to be reckoned with. They have it all; they're heart healthy, vitamin packed, and they even pack a mild fiber punch. They have that universal appeal of eat ability. Young children love them, senior citizens love them, and everyone else loves them. No matter where they play they'll always have home court advantage. They have moderate staying power; drenched in milk you will not have to rush through before the soggy monster appears. They may lack somewhat in sweetness, yet they're still delicious. They may even reduce your risk of death.

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(5) Honey Nut Cheerios

It's unbelievable and yet fitting that Honey Nut Cheerios found its way into the same region as their parent and arch nemesis Cheerios. This sweet and vibrant counterpart has grown up to become a man, with the uncanny ability to stay young. That jolly bee can make even Ebenezer Scrooge smile; there's something to be said for that. Not all that healthy, but being affiliated with Cheerios gives them the ability to make others think differently. Certainly, they are unquestionably delicious.

(2) Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Another sleeper pick from the General Mills conference, Cinnamon Toast Crunch has potential. The cereal is popular enough to warrant a spin-off cereal (also found in this group). Theie mascot isnt the most recognizeable, but its passeable. Look for Cinnamon Toast Crunch to come out playing and dont be surprised if they go deep in the field.

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(3) Rice Krispies

Home court advantage is a powerful thing. When the bracket is named after your team you have to be going into your first round match with a big head. The only way Rice Krispies loses is if they let it get to their head. However, being the only cereal that can actually "talk", they should be able to give themselves a nice pregame pep-talk.

(2) Frosted Mini Wheats

While I cannot say I enjoy the taste of regular shredded mini-whates, I can confess to enjoying the frosted variety. the frosting is just right, and hits the spot. This cereal doe sfall under the "kilky kelt" syndrome, which means you have to hurry up and eat the shit before the milk melts all of the icing off.

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(3) Lucky Charms

It's all about the marshmallows for this entry. With them otherwise boring cereal pieces are magically transformed into somewhat awesome pagan symbols of sweetness that hit your stomach like a horseshoe falling on your head.

(1) Frosted Flakes

Taking the tired old "flake" concept and adding butt-loads of sugar, Tony the Tiger and Co. serve up one of the few sugary cereals that doesn't float in milk. You have to scramble to eat that shit, though, before the milk melts the frosting off and all you are left with is semi-sweet milk.

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(5) Wheaties

"Better eat your Wheaties!" Micheal Jordan would shout this at me in my nightmares while he boned my mom right up da poopah. I never got the appeal of this crap. Wheaties were just an even more annoying corn flake, and despite having numerous sports heroes on the box, never made me jump higher or run faster.