Bleachers College Sports BCS Preview Volume I: SEC
| 28 August 2009
I'll get into a full blown college football preview in a moment, but first I need to discuss the things I have learned in seven months of unemployment.
1. Florida is a great place to live when you have a job. It is also the worst place if you don't have a job. Well, maybe California might be worse right now, but holy shit. 
I was most recently turned down for a job working with college kids (which I have four years experience) because I don't have enough experience working with a club for female students....My experience is with male student clubs and organizations. I'm fairly certain that boys have penises, girls have vaginas, girls bleed once a month causing them to get moody. If they don't bleed, that means they are "with child" and will get chubby and eat pickles and peanut butter together or some shit. Also, girls like to shop and be catty. What else would I possibly need to know? Eat shit nameless college.
In other eat shit potential employer news, some fake company that changes their name constantly and claims to be a Fortune 500 company has tried for months to get me to come in for a second interview. After I professionally told them for months I had no interest in the position, they continued spamming the shit out of my inbox. Always with the subject line, "Asshole from Shitbox Company would like to set up an interview with you." Finally, to get their attention I responded, "STOP FUCKING SENDING ME EMAILS."
Their response was the best email I have ever received:
Wed, Aug 19, 2009 at 4:52 PM
RE: CareerBuilder: Would like to schedule an interview
"All we have to do is report this & you would be permenantly banned from this site! I feel sorry for you however, because your temper & attitude is most likely why you can't hold down a job! We suggest a good therapist to find out why your so angry at the world! By the way, we mass e-mail so odds are you may get another invite from us anyway. Do us both a favor & just delete it. We wouldn't want a disgusting foul mouth like you working for us anyway!"
Note the misspelling of "permanently" and "you're." Also note that the email was sent via earthlink and not from a Fortune 500 company. What do they do you ask? Well as a commission only rep, I'd go into old people's homes and convince them to sign over their retirement funds to this company, but the company promises HUGE returns.
I'm starting to feel like the narrator of the School Spirit tracks from Kanye West's College Drop Out album. "You know what college does for you man, it makes you really smart man."
2. Day time television is the worst television in the history of television. Even my old standby Sports Center has become so intolerable that it pains me to watch a full episode. Seriously, try to watch a full episode. It's full of crappy self serving bullshit to appease the weak minded. Additionally, the company is having trouble keeping personalities and issuing Communist China rules and regulations to their employees so that they can control them via social networking outlets, keeping them as bland as possible. They also have failed to report stories that were at the very least "newsworthy," including the Ben Roethlisberger civil case. Whether or not it was true, a civil suit WAS filed against the two time Super Bowl winning quarterback. Regardless of the veracity of the claim, it certainly was news. And with ESPN backing off on social networking, they continue to get "scooped" by blogs and other news media outlets.
3. Facebook/Twitter are really annoying but it seems to be the only way friends will respond to you.
Twitter is the stupidest piece of social networking ever created. I don't understand why tweets are different than Facebook status updates. That included with the fact that you can't ever figure out which athlete or celebrity you are following is real, makes it all the stupider.
Facebook is great for mocking people, and certain applications, but all in all it's the only way most will communicate with me. I think my main problem with the book of faces is that it really only serves those who are narcissistic and want people to look at them. "Look at my photos, look at what I did, look at me, look at me."
It's also a shitty place to air your dirty fucking laundry. It's as if people feel like writing cryptic status messages so people will comment on them, giving them attention. If you are going to make a status update, write something clear and concise assholes. Here are some of the stupid status updates I have seen lately.
Is....."This is one of the worst days of my life"
Is...."I'm starting a challenging new career"
Is....."feels betrayed"
Is....."soooooooo done with all the bullshit"
Is....."Wow everything is awful :("
Is....."So sorry to everyone for that"
Listen, the point of communicating is that you have something to say. Even our own LabBoy fell victim to one of these social networking bullshit fiascos when he was asked by the broad he was seeing, "are we Facebook official?" I think I might try a social experiment. I might change my status to single, then write dark, cryptic shit on my Facebook page so that these snooping vultures I call friends will contact me outside this social medium. Then again, I'm probably too lazy for that and only want to play Mafia Wars.
SEC East Preview
Champion: Florida
Florida:
Florida returns seven Preseason All SEC players, nine if you count special teams. The only difficult game is the October 10 matchup against LSU. Honestly, it is one of the weakest schedules I have ever seen from a power house. Their out of conference schedule is Charleston Southern, where they at last glance were a 73 point favorite, Troy, Florida International and Florida State. Sure there is Georgia on a "neutral" field, but come on. Additionally, they return speed all over the field and only really lost Percy Harvin and Louis Murphy. Even NFL-ready linebacker Brandon Spikes came back for another chance at glory. They will go 11-1 at worst before the SEC Championship game.
11-1
Georgia
Goodbye Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno, Mohamed Massaquoi. Hello Joe Cox, Caleb King and A.J. Green. Cox is a senior, so he should be okay, but he might be looking over his shoulder at freshman Matt Barkley. King will split carries, and another wide out must compliment the speedy Green, or that passing game is in trouble. We will find out what Georgia is made of against Oklahoma State in week one. The Cowboys are a really strange team, and I expect Georgia to blow them out.
9-3
Tennessee
I feel my "Kiffin Watch" feature will be huge for this site. The only thing slowly down Lane's crazy is that his father Monte will also be on the sidelines as a defensive coordinator. Kiffin has shown no signs of being a brilliant coach since he left USC as a coordinator. Tennessee will be back, but not until next year.
7-5
Kentucky
The Wildcats have not enjoyed this much success since Bear Bryant was roaming the sidelines. With that said, they still don't have the juice to be in the upper crust of the SEC. Mike Hartline will start at QB this year, and Kentucky will try to utilize the talents of the insane Randall Cobb all over the field. He can be a quarterback, a running back, a wide receiver and he may even return some punts. This guy might be the most exciting player in the SEC. Kentucky's defense needs to stop sucking as much as Episode I did or they are going to have to score 60 every game.
6-6
Vanderbilt
It is amazing to me that this team of no names posted a winning record last season. Odds are that will not happen again. Their schedule includes: @LSU, @Rice, @Army, Georgia, @Florida, @Tennessee, and Mississippi. While Rice and Army aren't that great, they are still road games that BCS schools usually play at home. I give them some props though for playing only six home games.
5-7
South Carolina
"If you go to South Carolina, you'll be pumping gas the rest of your life." - Lane Kiffin
I'm sure if the Ole' Ball Coach is thrilled by that statement, but I also don't think Spurrier has the horses to compete in this league where everyone has adopted the basic tenets of his offense, meaning the defense knows how to defend it. I see seven winnable games on the schedule, but something always happens to South Carolina. Their offense may prove to be prolific, but the running game might be in trouble, and if I am an opponent I'm going to throw all over the inexperienced defensive secondary.
5-7
SEC West Preview
Champion: LSU
LSU
The Bayou Bengals will be back this season and that's because Jordan Jefferson is the answer at QB. At times, he showed flashes of brilliance last season. Charles Scott returns, and he is a bull of a man at running back, and Brandon LaFell is a talented wide out. Additionally, the Tigers have college's fastest man Trindon Holliday who won the 2009 100m NCAA championship. He can play all over the field and create havoc on defenses. On defense, LSU returns six starters, and will not surrender as many points as last season.
10-2
Alabama
Sure, Alabama returns 15 starters, but they lost John Parker Wilson, his body guard Andre Smith, two other lineman and Glen Coffee. I'd expect to see the Tide play their same I-form offense and attempt to eat up the clock because the defense and namely Terrance Cody are very, very good. I think they will lose three games because sometimes their offense will stall and their only offensive threat is the very impressive Julio Jones.
9-3
Mississippi
Can that Houston Nutt coach or what? It boggles my mind that he was basically run out of Arkansas for Bobby Petrino. The Rebels return Jevan Sneed who is the truth, as well as five more offensive starters and eight on defense. The Rebels will certainly kick around some teams that used to man handle them. It's a pretty easy schedule and they may even have a chance beating Alabama.
9-3
Auburn
So long Tommy Tuberville, hello Gene Chizik? Gene Chizik with a 5-19 record as a head coach, what the fuck were they thinking? I think Chris Todd will be the starter, but since he was 86/156 for 906 yards, 5 TDs and 6 INTs last season, I'm not expecting much from the QB position. The first six games; La Tech, Miss. St, WVU, Ball State, @ Tennessee, @ Arkansas can be won, but probably won't be. I'd expect Auburn to be at worst 3-3 before heading into the tougher part of their schedule. Things are looking up though, they could win six, or seven if things shake out right.
6-6
Arkansas
Ryan Mallet is going to be your quarterback?
5-7
Mississippi State
The Bulldogs somehow convinced Dan Mullen to go to Starkville which is big since he came from Florida, and Starkville sucks. I don't think they can win a conference game, and could lose two out of conference.
3-9
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