Armchair Culture - College Football Week 5

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College Football Week 5

Written by Love Without Nagel | 01 October 2009

This week I'm going musical. Were you aware that if you used an Ouija Board and the Mayan calendar together it would lead you to the lyrics of "Superman's Dead" by Our Lady Peace which outlined the fall of Florida's superman? Of course to actually find out when and where it would happen, you'd have to go to the street corners on a Saturday night in any college town in America and listen to the "preachers" tell you about your sins. Or maybe you could get the info from the God Hates Fags people. In any event prepared to be wowed as I randomly pull lines from a song that obviously, generically predicted the downfall of this college football legend......for a week or so.

How long till you break
You're happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake
An ordinary boy an ordinary name
But ordinary's just not good enough today
Alone I'm thinking
Why is superman dead?

You worry about the weather and
Whether or not you should hate
Are you worried about your faith
Kneel down and obey

Alone I'm thinking
Why is superman dead?

That shit is deep son! Okay, so we all know Tebow isn't dead, and might NOT have ever been Superman, which is fucking shocking. But perhaps, Urban Meyer might want to revisit some of his preseason comments, you know the ones where he was going to make Tebow a prototypical passer where he would operate under center, get drafted on day one and shut up all the NFL scouting types. Then again, what else did Urban Meyer have to do in the offseason anyway? Sit around and count his money? Put pins in his Lane Kiffin voodoo doll? Think about it, the dude made Utah relevant, then went to Florida and won two fucking national championships in four years. In true Bellichick-ian form he wanted to give everyone a big "fuck you" and spend his time changing the offense to suit Tebow's future just so anyone affiliated with football knew what a bad motherfucker he is.

Then the season happened and Tebow has been used like Ram-Man from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. While Tebow certainly HAS THE POWER, bitch there are going to be weeks of brown outs during the remainder of the season after suffering a bad ass concussion.

Labboy showed up with his gameface and won both his bets. LWN on the other hand, could not get away from unhealthy love of the pirateiest coach in America, Mike Leach.

Don't look now but Minnesota is a very quiet 3-1 in the Big Ten, and they still have five winnable games left at home (Wisconsin, Purdue, Michigan State, South Dakota State, Illinois). They have three road games all against ranked opponents which they could win maybe one of. The Gophers could christen the new stadium with an 8 or 9 win season and a Champs Sports Bowl maybe.

When you mess with the Horned Frogs, you get the horns, or something. TCU is the most underrated team in the nation. And Clemson is always good for dropping a few games their foolish fan base thinks they have a shot at winning. I only see two games remaining on the TCU schedule that could provide them a difficult game (Utah and BYU).

Sure, I could have bet the under in the Texas Tech-Houston game, but as friend of armchairculture Josh P. pointed out to me this past weekend, "betting the under is like having all your fantasy football players finish before the 4p.m. games start," meaning it fucking blows. Also, between these two teams how did they not cover 73?

Fresno obviously covered the back end of the parlay because the bulldogs aren't a bunch of pussies from a bigger conference. They will take on all the haters, and might even do it on some fucked up playing field with broken glass and used hypodermic needles.

But holy shit that Buffalo team of mine looks like dung. Sure, the defense was shitty last season, but at least they made turnovers. This season's offering looks like the worst defense in the county, that coupled with an offense that has limited star power and confused quarterback who never sets his feet and throws across his body is a terrible combination.

In honor of Miley Cyrus' new shitbox song Party in the USA, and in honor of my trip to Indiana last week, I've written my own version. Please watch the video to get the beat.

I hopped on the plane from J-A-X when some bitch made me check my luggage at the gate
With no time to spare, I couldn't argue and they charge me twenty bucks, which filled me with hate
Then I got off the plane in in ATL, welcome to the land of shitty fans fuckwad airports
I walked by the smoking lounge and almost died from the stale smell of Newports

Then I hustled through the Hartsfield airport just in time to catch my plane
I just made it to my seat, then we got delayed over an hour just sitting on the runway
I thought this isn't the fun-way
And the seatbelt sign came on
And the seatbelt sign was on
And the seatbelt sign was on

So I put my hands up
This is fucking bullshit
Shaking my head like NO
Trying to fit in-between two fatties like NO
And started to get sick to my stomach
Shaking my head like NO
Squeezing in like NO
So I put my hands up
This is fucking bullshit
I know it's going to be a long day
NOOOOOO I'm going to be stuck on this fucking runwayyyyyyyy

I hop off the plane in Indiana where its cold and gray
And I get my pink-ish bag from the luggage rack and everyone thinks I'm gay
There's like who's this dude who's rocking a pink-ish bag
He's gotta be from out of town
Its so hard to find my pick up party, because my phone fucking sucks and my ride's not around me
This certainly won't be a fucking party
All I see are pick up trucks
And a bunch of red-neck fucks

My stomach's still wrecked from the meaty smell of the fat people on the plane
I'm thinking this is going to be a pain
Then I find my ride

And a Daughtry song came ON
And a Daughtry song was ON
And a Daughtry song was ON

So I put my hands up and extended my middle fingers
There playing this shitty song
And I knew this ride would be long
Rolling my eyes like "fuck"
looking for my ipod like "yeah"
So I put my hands up and extend my middle fingers
There playing this shitty song
And I knew this ride would be long
Rolling my eyes like "fuck"
Looking for my ipod like "yeah"
YEEEAAAAHHHH this week is going to be shittttayyyy

Feel like going back to Florida tonight
If I didn't have this interview I migggghhhht
I go to my interview
I meet with a bunch of women

So I throw my hands up I'm totally fucked
Interviewing with all women sucks
Shaking my head like "shit"
Adjusting my crotch like "yeah"
So I throw my hands up I'm totally fucked
Interviewing with women sucks
Shaking my head like "shit"
Walking out the door like "yeah"
And I know it's not going to be okay
NOOOOO I didn't get the job that paid 50K
NOOOOO I didn't get the job that paid 50K

Refrain

I asked Stefan Johnson if he had any insight this week, but he couldn't come up with the words......Too soon?

Bets

1. Toledo -4.5 @ Ball State

Sure, Ball State put up 30 last weekend but Auburn called off the dogs once they have 40 on the board. MiQuale Lewis is their only weapon. Toledo is a real Jeckel and Hyde team but they should put up points, and have beaten inferior competition. After this one, I'll be throwing my hands up.

Toledo 40-BSU 20

$60

2. LSU +3 @ Georgia

LSU had a "down week" if you will, but if you think they don't want to pound the ever living shit out of Joe Cox to entice Superman to rest against them, then you have been huffing paint. Speed kills and LSU has a touch more. After this one, I'll be nodding my head like "yeah."

LSU 24-Georgia 21

$40

3. AND NOW FOR MY

loveofweek

Penn State -6.5 @ Illinois

My assumption is that Penn State will bounce back from a shitty performance against an undermanned team from Illinois. If the Lions follow a basic business tenet K-I-S-S, Keep It Simple Stupid they should roll the Illini. By that I mean focus on the run, spread the Illinois defense out then run it, line up in the Wing T formation and run it, get into an I-formation and run it. Then when you have them on their heels, throw the shit out of the ball. Illinois is hemorrhaging yards in the pass game. They have given up 997 yards in three games through the air and one of those teams was Illinois State. After this one, I'll be moving my hips like "yeah."