Written by Denny | 01 June 2010

Who is worse? Lebron James vs. Brett Favre

What?

Worse? Lebron? Favre?

They are gods amongst men. I can't wake up and get through a half a cup of coffee before the thought pops in my head. Will Favre retire? Is Lebron going to stay in Cleveland? Does Lebron wake up in the morning and shower his waffles with powdered sugar like he does the powder trick before the games? What does Brett Favre have playing on his Walkman before games?

Wrong! The saddest moment of every year for me is 10 minutes after the Super Bowl. It's not because I just lost 500 Dollars. It's not because there won't be football for 7 months, as a Bills fan that's refreshing thought. It's because I know it's the beginning of the Brett Favre Saga.

This off-season I was excited because I looked into the future and I saw the Lebron Saga on the horizon. I thought, "This is new." I know it might be slightly annoying but anything has to be better than the hell Brett Favre puts me through every year. I was wrong. I was ignorant, I was silly, but I found it intriguing.

Then the Cavs lost. And everything changed. Lebron stormed to the locker room after a tremendous performance. He ripped off the jersey, ala Patrick Roy after his last game a Montreal Canadian. And the floodgates opened. It was like dynamite went off at Hoover Dam.

What's going to happen? The scenarios people are coming up with, as a sign of what will come is insane.

But he wants to win now.

But he wants to be "The King" in NY.

But the Wizards got the first overall draft pick.

But he wants to trump Kobe in LA.

But Coach K is going to the Nets.

But Obama wants him to go to Chicago

Be careful about what you wish for because I got it, It is unbearable.

Then it happened, it got worse. Brett Favre had his ankle surgery, and I found myself in the 7th circle of hell. The Favre Saga melded with the Lebron Saga and it was like feeding a Mogwai after midnight.

Apparently, nothing else going on in any other sport so they have to cover these two topics. There are no Finals are going on for both hockey and basketball. Baseball is not in mid-season swing, and even Ozzie Guillen is not blowing up in typical Guillen fashion.

That lead me to where we are today.

Who is worse? Lebron or Brett Favre.

They are very similar in a lot of ways. They love the media frenzy, but they don't often speak. They like to keep the media guessing instead of telling them what's going on. When Brett had ankle surgery the media came out and said, "That's a sign he's coming back." You know what would've been a better sign? If he sent one of his infamous texts saying "I'm coming back."

Same with Lebron, why won't he tell us what his intentions are? Even Chris Bosh gave his agent 5 teams he wanted to go to. He's being interviewed by Larry King tonight. I'm willing to wager the questions are going to be pre-written by the Lebron Camp and no questionswill be answered.

Because in their minds if we are not talking about them, good, bad or indifferent they don't exist they are just going to fade away like Michael J. Fox in "Back to the Future" if he doesn't help McFly bone his mom.

So "scientifically" let's go through these Attention Nymphos lives and see who the ultimate Narcissist truly is.

Birthplace

Brett Favre : Gulfport, Mississippi

On the ocean, the ocean makes you feel small. Water for as far as the eye can see. Possible shrinkage after going in on a cold day. I see how that could give you self-esteem issues. Also only 40,000 people there when he was born, now over 70,000 in his lifetime it has almost doubled and he believes it's all because of him.

Lebron James : Akron, Ohio

Akron is Rubber City. He's rubber your glue whatever you say bounces off of him and sticks to you. That alone gave him confidence at a young age. The population of the city has fallen since he's been born, and he thinks that's because they all moved to Cleveland.
Who's the bigger douche? It was going to be a push but then I remembered four letters O-H-I-O.

Ancestry and Early years

Brett Favre

Born in Kiln Mississippi. a town of 2,000. His father was his High School Coach and only let him throw 5 balls a game. Even he thought he was garbage. Born of French and Native American Ancestry. Thus he has a natural taste for firewater and distaste for personal hygiene.

Lebron James

Not much available. Born of humble beginnings, single mom, which means he was a spoiled brat. His father was an ex-con, thus where he got his ability to rack up the steals. Moved around a lot which means he's very occupancy agile.

Who's the bigger douche? He's FRENCH!

Professional Career

Brett Favre

Drafted in the 2nd round by the Falcons, same team that drafted Michael Vick. He has played 18 Seasons, 1 Super Bowl Win, hence he wins the big one 5% of the time. Two Super Bowl Appearances, he has retired as many times. He has thrown more interceptions than any other quarterback. Luckily, he has thrown more touchdowns as well. 3 time MVP, 11 Pro Bowl appearances.

Lebron James

Professional career? He's younger than me and I still don't have a professional career. 1st overall draft pick. He had more hype than any player has ever had in any sport at any time, and lived up to the hype. He won Rookie of the Year, is a 2 time MVP, Scoring Champion. Gold Medal winner. Downside is his post season play. He has only made the Conference finals once. He has never made it to the NBA Finals. Good news, he is only 25.

Who's the puss from the pimple? It would take me a week to drink as many beers as interceptions he's thrown!

Endorsements

Brett Favre

Wrangler Jeans. I remember people in KMART would feel bad for you if you wearing those Stonewashed from the stone-age garments. Snapper, Inc. I honestly don't know what that is, but with those endorsements combined, I could Wrangle some Snapper, and that's always a good time.

Lebron James

Who doesn't he endorse? Insert Door Knob / everyone gets a turn joke here. Nike, Vitamin Water, Bubblicious, McDonald's, and State Farm. When I get the drunken munchies, I love Mcdonalds. When I'm driving drunk, I'm covered by State Farm. When I'm running from the Cops, I wear my Nikes. When I wake up sleeping in a ditch, I rejuvenate myself with Vitamin Water. When I show up to work, I hide the smell of booze with Bubbilicous.

Who's the Communist? I left out Sensodyne, for the people over 80 that still have teeth.

Nickname

Brett Favre

"Iron Man"

He's not even the Number 1 Iron Man. That title now belongs to Robert Downey Jr. I'm willing to wager had Favre retired the first time, he would've gotten the role of Iron Man, they had to pull Robert Downey out of the gutter for that role anyways.

Lebron James

"The King"

With the ability to endorse North Korea if he so chooses, he endorses McDonalds over Burger King, and Burger King's King is the coolest creepiest Mascot around.

Who's the Swamp Ass? Favre's nickname was given to him during the Iron Age. Lebron chose to endorse a company that was the nemesis of his given nickname.

And the winner of the best media whore to ever exist in sports, by a narrow 3-2 Margin is...

Was there really any question? Lebron is one of the top 5 best athletes on the planet regardless of what happens to him there's going to be a media frenzy around him. Brett Favre has an elaborate plan to keep the media talking about him. He uses his ammunition very carefully. Once the media has forgotten about him, he draws them back with a nice little pearl. Then when runs out of ammo, he goes suicide bomber on the media and retires and that should be the end of it. But then he rises ashes like the Phoenix, unretires and starts the cycle all over again! I've never understood people's obsession with him. He's not really that good. He's just played forever. He looks like a homeless hillbilly and has more drama than a virgin on prom night. But America loves him and that's why we have to pay attention to him.

Congratulations Brett Favre, you make Snooki look well-adjusted!

Written by Harnisch | 24 November 2009

After a week of sick leave - probably due to the Broncos' downward spiral - i'm back on my feet. Denver cost me nearly half my season winnings in their loss to the redskins - the Washington fucking redskins - without Portis. WTF. Oh well, at least I was burned enough to stay as far away from the Chargers/Broncos line as humanly possible. Things are looking good with some exciting games this week, but before we get into that lets cover some interesting shit that happened.

Double Barrell

Titans 86 year old owner Bud Adams saluted Bills fans in style after the Titans 47-17 win last week on MNF. I can't figure out whats most awesome about this - the fact he is 86 and clearly doesnt give a fuck, the fact that the NFL fined him 250k for it, or the fact that this isn't his first obscene gesture. When Adams and the Titans won the AFC championship in 2000 he was asked what he would do if he won a superbowl with the team he moved from Texas to Tenn. According to NBCSports.com, Adams held up a single digit on his right hand and said, "I'll put it on the middle finger and say to the mayor of Houston to take a look at it." After the awesome game this Monday vs Texas, Tenn is my new team to root for.

Theismann, McCallum, and now Wood

The injury so gruesome CBS refused to replay it. Bills rookie guard Eric Wood took a hit to the side of his shin and, well, the rest is history. Compound tibia and fibula. Makes me squirm. Check it out.

Hester Gets Pants'd

As if the current level of Bears play isnt embarrassing enough, Hester (understandably) dropped a Cutler pass and was tackled - by his jock strap. Not to be one-upped, Cutler threw an interception on the potential game winning drive and got an awkward post-game advice session from D-Nabb. Which is more embarrassing? You can decide.

NFL Week 12 - Thanksgiving-a-palooza

While most of us are in a self-induced food coma, football will be happening. While I'm still a little sore - literally and figuratively - from the broncos recent performances, I think they have a good line this week.  Currently, they are +7 at home against the Giants.  Yes, the Broncos are all over the board, and I don't necessarily think they will win, but the second the line moved from 6.5 to 7, I was all over it.  I'll go out on a limb here and say 75% of the time the broncos lose by a TD or less this week. It's not going to be half my bankroll, but its a bet.  Now I just have to find somewhere to watch the game, fucking NFL network.

Obviously, the game of the week is Patriots @ Saints.  I've got news for the patriot nation, the Pats are the 4th best team in the country.  Saint #1, Colts #2, Vikings #3.  Deal with it.  Because of this, I think the line is a little inflated for the Pats - they are a 3pt underdog.  The Patriots D will not be able to handle the multi-threat offense, and although it will be a slugfest the Saints will win by at least 7. Brees will out throw Brady by 15 yds. Final score - New England 21, Saints 31.

PICKS

*Patriots @ Saints (-3) $10
Seahawks @ Rams (+3) $5
Seahawks @ Rams (under42.5) $5
Colts (-3.5) @ Texans $10
Giants @ Broncos (+7) $10

*Georgia @ Georgia Tech (-7) $10
Wyoming (+3.5) @ Colorado St $10
Oklahoma St (+300) @ Oklahoma $5
Oklahoma St (+9.5) @ Oklahoma $10
Sickest 2 team parlay ever - Wyoming (+135), Oklahoma St (+300) - Risk $9.53 to win $80.05
*Parlay ($10 for $28)

No Steelers/Ravens line yet, but plan on taking the Ravens.

Written by Harnisch | 12 November 2009

Last week...

Not a lot to say about last week other than it feels good to crush again. The only two incorrect picks for the weekend were very suprising, Stanford destroyed the 7pt favorite Oregon (who wudda thought?) and the packers decided to prove they are actually terrible.  Otherwise, things were great - My underdog picks of the week were exciting as the Chargers brought it down to the wire and Cincinnati continues to prove they are a legit team.  I love good weekends; it makes me feel like the oracle. No real drama this weekend, other than Tommie Harris punching a guy 65 seconds into the game. The bears are already a mess and im sure this didn't help.  It took 65 seconds of gameplay for Harris to punch the Deuce in the facemask... this is confusing on so many levels. What on earth could you possibly be that worked up about in 65 seconds? Why would you punch someone in their helmet?? it protects their fucking head you asshole. Also, get up Deuce, he punched your helmet - you take blows to the head for a living.

This week...

Lets get right down to it.  Patriots @ Colts.  Im going to take the Colts here. Why? Because I hate Tom Brady.  Also, the Colts are a better team, especially at home.  Its going to be a hell of a show, and the colts will come out on top 28-21. These two teams are evenly matched with Brady-Moss-Welker vs Manning-Clark-Wayne, and I think the Patriots Defense is a little better. In New England, the patriots win. At a neutral field, I give the Colts a miniscule advantage, and in Indy i'll take the Colts.  Its going to be close, and im not saying bet the farm on it.  But if you like the colts, and want to bet, take it.

The most exciting game of the week may be the Pats vs Colts, but the best spot for your money is the Broncos vs Redskins game. Last week I warned against the Broncos, they were getting a terrible line. They played like shit.  It was embarrasing. The good news? It contributed to the most rediculous line of the year - Denver (-3.5) @ Washington.  WTF? Yes, the Broncos are playing like shit... but not actual shit. Of concern is Marshall missing Weds practice with back problems - no word yet on this weekend. He didn't come out of the game against the Steelers, and im sure he will be listed as questionable, but expect him to end up playing. The real matchup to watch will be Dumervil taking on Levi Jones in his first game at left tackle for the skins.
If Dumervil can beat Jones, expect him to get a few mean hits on Jason Campbell's blindside as he hangs out in the pocket a little too long. Also old school Bronco Ben Hamilton will be replaced Russ Hochstein at left gaurd - further transforming the Broncos into the little patriots.  If Orton doesnt come out of the gates crushing, I wouldn't be terribly suprised if McDaniels gives Simms a shot.  I like Orton a lot but it pained me to watch his weak arm exploited on MNF. We all knew he wouldn't be throwing bombers downfield, but get him throwing off his back foot and he looks like an 80 year old woman. All in all, the Broncos have some problems, but I have faith in the coaching staff to take risks to fix them.  Broncos 28 - Washington 13.

Wagers

Patriots @ Colts (-3) - Risk $5 to win $4.76
Jaguars @ Jets (Over 40pts) - Risk $5 to win $4.55
Broncos (-3.5) @ Redskins** - Risk $60 to win $56.28
Falcons (-1.5) @ Panthers** - Risk $7.50 to win $6.82
Saints (-13.5) @ Rams** - Risk $7.50 to win $6.82
Bears @ 49ers (-3)  - Risk $10 to win $8 (Correct) What a shit show.. Thanks for not letting me down Cutler.
**3-parlay - $5 to win $30

Arizona (+1.5) @ Cal - Risk $10 to win $9.09
Iowa (+17) @ Ohio St - Risk $5 to win $4.55
Fan bet: Wyoming (+7.5) @ SDSU - Risk $5 to win $4.55
UAB (-1) @ Memphis - Risk $5 to win $4.55
**UAB (0), Arizona (+110) - Risk $5 to win $15.05
Temple (-5), Arizona U (+125), Falcons (-1.5) - Risk $8 to win $60.61

Last weeks picks

Washington @ Atlanta (-10) - Risk $5 to win $4.55 (Correct)
Baltimore @ Cincinnati (+3) - Risk $5 to win $4.55 (Correct)
Chargers (+4.5) @ Giants** - Risk $10 to win $9.09 (Correct)
Chargers (+190) @ Giants - Risk $5 to win $9.50 (Correct)
Green Bay (-10) @ Tampa - Risk $5 to win $4.55 (Incorrect)
UL Monroe (+1) @ North Texas** - Risk $15 to win $13.64 (Correct)
Oregon (-7) @ Stanford - Risk $5 to win $4.55 (Incorrect)
Oklahoma St (-7.5) @ Iowa St - Risk $5 to win $4.55 (Correct)
TCU (-24.5) @ San Diego St - Risk $5 to win $4.55 (Correct)
Bowling Green @ Buffalo (-3) - Risk $5 to win $4.55 (Incorrect)
**2-parlay - Risk $5 to win $9.50 (Correct)

Net: +$44.93
NFL + NCAA Season-to-date: +$263.58

(61% on strait picks, net +$234.08)
(50% on parlays, net +$29.50)

Written by Harnisch | 03 November 2009

...you lose some.

Well, it was bound to happen eventually.  My picks last week saw more red than a fire station paint locker. Sometimes you go out on a limb and pick a lot of upsets and it works out; this wasn't one of those times. The Broncos got outhustled, Cutler and the Bears covered, and MNF was a slugfest.  I usually do a pretty good job about diversifying my wagers, but I loaded up on Denver this weekend and paid the price. All losses aside, it sure was a fun weekend of pigskin.

The Favre bowl lived up to the hype and gave me a newfound respect for Bret. Not just because he continues to prove he is one of the greatest ever to play, but you can tell that the man truly loves the game... that's it, he just loves playing football. I don't get involved with the argument of why Favre's not playing for GB. Favre kinda left the GM out to dry with his flip-flopping in 2008, and Thompson had to make the best decision at the time for the franchise - committing to Aaron Rodgers.  I'm fine with that (although, I CANNOT imagine Elway coming into Mile High wearing black and silver).  Favre threw four touchdowns and was absolutely elated after each one; you could tell all he cared about was playing football and playing it well. I loved looking in the stands and seeing handfuls of fully garbed cheese heads cheering along with him.  With news of his groin injury, the old dog must be happy he has a bye this weekend.  Mark my words; this will be Brett's last season playing NFL football. Keep an eye on Percy Harvin - the guys a fucking beast. And now that he is on punt returns also, look for some (more) tremendous special teams action - and an NFL offensive rookie of the year.

Quick note on college football. Florida routed Georgia, no surprise. I didn't get to watch the game, but I must admit I spent a few hours trying to see if I could manage to fly down just for the party that surrounds this event. I mean who wouldn't want to go to an awesome football game that also results in a record number (252) of drinking arrestes?  Sounds like a hell of a party. Maybe next year. Fresh off of injury, Brandon Spikes kept things interesting by trying to remove Easley's eyeball.  The panicked reaction by Easley confirms it - that fucking hurts.   I understand stuff like this happens, but I always thought it was like "hey my hand ended up under your mask, might as well poke yer eye," but Spikes was fingering like he was having flashbacks to his days in the dorms.  The result? A first half "suspension" against Vandy.  Right.  Nice punishment.  "I don't condone that," ... "I spoke with him. That's not who he is. That's not who we are. He got caught up in emotion." If Meyer had any brains he would suspend him for the entire game to appease everyone, while at the same time giving Spikes a chance to get back to 100% health.  It's a win-win, that's what you Florida fans want right, the title?

Written by Harnisch | 28 October 2009

First things first.

Well, where do I start for my first official contribution to Armchair? I guess I could tell you a little bit about myself. Born and raised in Colorado, I'm a rabid broncos fan. If you are an asshole Patriots fan, I hate you. If you are a Bears fan, I root against your team solely in hopes of seeing Cutler throwing multiple interceptions. I was ecstatic about getting Cutler out of Denver, and I said by week 5 before Bears fans would be throwing him under the bus. Cutler may win some games, but the ones he loses feel like a stiff kick in the nuts - right Chicago? What else about me... I ran (and drank) competitively in college... My greatest achievement came with a combination of the two: a world record in the beer mile. Four unopened beers + four laps = 5:41. Ship it. After college I paid the bills for a while with some poker related income, including running a questionably legal gambling operation. Now with a legitimate job as a research scientist, I consider myself an avid armchair sports bettor and poker player. While I confidently say I'm a lifetime winner between the two, degeneracy at the craps and roulette tables probably has me at even. So far this season I haven't had a losing week between NCAA and NFL.

Last weekend.

This last weekend was as exciting as it could be without the Broncos playing. Larry Johnson spiced things up with another slur against homosexuals. What's this guy thinking? I wouldn't tweet something like that and I'm not in the national spotlight - or making probably 40k a game. Can't he just do like the rest of us and save the slurs for beers with the buddies?
Speaking of Gay, William Gay was discriminated against by Adrian Peterson this weekend. I'm not sure what's scarier: AP railing Gay, or AP screaming like a god-damn mad-man about it afterward. I still think the Vikings could have won the game, and me a lot more money, but it didn't work out that way. You win some, you lose some.