| 24 June 2009
I almost feel bad, I almost do. But then I remember my own situation and I feel better. Dear ladies and gents, Bernie Kosar, the man who apparently couldn't bench press 200 pounds in college is broke as fuck. His life is crumbling around him, he is filing for bankruptcy and his marrige is over. If I had a heart that wasn't black I'm certain I'd feel a ping of sympathy for the former signal caller. Instead, I want to say, welcome to the club asshole. Now, granted I'm not in the same boat as Bernie, I never bought a house, I don't have kids, I don't piss my money away and I never was the losing quarterback in "the drive" game, but for fucksake I'm sick of these shitty, sappy stories that are supposed to tug at some heart strings because we are supposed to feel something for these people who make more in a season than most of us will ever see in a lifetime.
Dear Bernie, you claim you were too giving, you were too kind. You helped people too much, believed in the people who you gave your money to without question. Well you are a stupid fuck then. You have a wing of the business building co-named after you because you were wicked smart in college at Miami. Well, perhaps they should rescind that shit and simply name it the "David Epstein faculty office wing at the school of business," and completely defecate on the "Bernie Kosar" part of it.
I can't figure out who I am more mad at for this article coming into my life- Bernie Kosar for his stupid bullshit sob story, or the Miami Herald for still giving work to a shitty hack like Dan Le Batard. Bernie Kosar is accepting of his current life of pain and having -$200,000,000 in his bank account, but still wonders, as a punch drunk boxer does why he is broke and his possibly hot wife left him when the money train dried up. Dan Le Batard still has work, penning really important stories like this one and is probably pissed he might not have gotten a raise in his last employee review because, you know the newspaper industry is dying. If you are so broke, go sign some fucking autographs, asshole. If you are Dan Le Batard, enjoy your job.
Which reminds me, why is Around the Horn still on the air? First, sports reporters are fucking retarded anyway, but for the last 7-8 years, I have found myself wondering why a show that seems like one big inside joke is still on the fucking air. Do you think Woody Page and Jay Marriotti speak via teleconference after the show and discuss the merits of their shitty arguments about Manny Ramirez's steroid use and why no one cares about the U.S. soccer team? Then they probably say, "good show, I really hit my stride when I discussed a clever pun about Manny playing for the Triple A Isotopes, do you think people know that's a Simpson's reference?"
I think Tony Reali, who I'm not sure how he got his job at my age, drinks a ton of bourbon at his desk when the camera is not on him. For the love of assdicks, that show is the most painful shit I've ever sat through. Do these panelists get paid for cracking wise on their fellow reporters? Do they all need to wear one turtleneck and sport coat a week? Can Woody Page act like a normal human being? Is Kevin Blackistone, really named Kevin Blackistone or is it some sort of joke played on the viewership?
Rick Reilly Is Not Worth Anything:
While I am at it, ESPN, as I have mentioned is laying off employees, while they continue to spend lavishly on some dingle fuck named Rick Reilly. His column is the most retarded sack of shit I have ever read. The asshole, as I pointed out via Deadspin even bites his own shit from columns he wrote years ago. If he had any fucking sack, he'd write for free and get foreclosed upon like Bernie Kosar. Read some paragraphs of this bullshit, it's so fucking bad it makes me want to puke out of my ass. This is another wild simile this dickhole has made when he was professing his love for the Denver Nuggets and why God hates them, or something:
"Wasn't it bad enough what you'd already put us through? We are a franchise that once lost a record 23 straight games. One year, we only won 11! In military terms, we are the Iraqi Air Force.
Maybe this will give You an idea: We have a street in Denver named for a Nuggets trainer, but none for a Nuggets player.
You think You sent Job heartache? Job was a Rothschild compared to us."
Job, you went to fucking Job? Oh, witty remarks you overpaid fuckbag, it's like you write puffy sports stories that five year-olds might like while your editor sits idly by, and probably wonders why he didn't take up a career in anything else. Oh Rick, the Iraqi Air Force, what a great remark, I too am proud to be an American and understand your sweeping generalization of a country poorer than us. You wise old sage you.
In other news, here's your NBA draft preview:
- Blake Griffin
- the rest of the draft......who gives a fuck? The stupid irrelevance of the NBA draft is dumber than the New York Lotto style draft position choosing system they use, because they fear that THEIR OWN FRANCHISES WILL CHEAT COMMITTING FELONIOUS ACTS TO GARNER A BETTER DRAFT PICK. Throwing games on purpose if a felonious act readers, it is.
"I'm YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLANDA VEGA, and here's your NBA Draft Lottery," go eat shit David Stern.
Sports Betting Kicks Ass:
In more other news, states including Delaware and maybe New Jersey want to allow sports betting? Well, my ass knows where I want to go on my next vacation!
So, Delaware has legalized this form of awesomeness, and the Governor of New Jersey wants to legalize it as well. Well kudos, dear sirs, kudos to you. Soon, your summer tourism revenues may even pass Maine as the east coast's place to be during the summer months.
Why isn't sports betting legal everywhere? What are we so worried about as a people? Are we concerned that a guy like me has the means and relationship to influence the outcome of a fucking sports game? Perhaps I'll call up Kurt Warner and tell him to throw the Super Bowl right?
Casinos have become more prevalent everywhere in the United States, apparently providing money for schools, if you read the billboards near my house, yet sports betting is still frowned upon? Why does it matter anyway, these places won't lose money because if you win too much, you will still get thrown out without your winnings because "you cheated." State run gambling operations are taxed and monitored. Every state should allow gambling, in every form to help alleviate their budget concerns. Also, if you want to end this recession, just legalize marijuana. BOOM, I just solved our major economic crisis.
"LWN Would Kill Me If He Had The Chance"
In more other news, my old boss has come to his point in drug addiction where he is totally paranoid about everything and has mentioned to a former co-worker that he thinks I would kill him, if I could get away with it.
First of all, I'm not killing no one, or speaking about it if I were to, but this claim was so outlandish that it made me consider some options I felt were viable for me to reclaim the funds still owed to me. After much deliberation, I have convinced myself that a deal would have to be made for a bare-knuckle boxing match or MMA fight at the beach. It would be sanctioned by no one, but we could use and impartial party as the referee. Why at the beach? I'm not really sure, but it seems like an adequate place to beat each other up.
In any event, I'm certain that he would be in for a serious thrashing, but since he's a stupid liar always talking bullshit about his minor league pitching career, his job with the government "analyzing the weaknesses in the U.S. Army," and the fact that he hasn't been the same since some other sob story bullshit, I'm pretty sure he still owes me thousands of dollars and I'd take it out on him. Make no mistake, there would be no murdering, just and old-fashioned "let's settle our differences" by beating the hell out of each other.
"MY MESSAGE IS THIS: GET YOUR PEOPLE IN ORDER "PHISH:"
In more other news, some old dude in the greater Milwaukee area is pissed that a Phish fan pooped in some sort of make-shift bus stop he created:
"NEVER HAVE I HAD AN INCIDENT SUCH AS THE ONE THAT OCCURRED ON SATURDY NIGHT (JUN. 20) FOLLOWING A "PHISH" MUSICAL. OUR DOG WOKE US AT 1:30 AM MAKING A RUCKUS. WE HAVE A SMALL WARMING HOUSE NEAR THE EDGE OF THE HIGHWAY THAT I BUILT FOR OUR DAUGHTERS (NOW GROWN) TO WAIT FOR THE SCHOOLBUSES IN. THE LIGHT IN IT WAS ON AND SOMEONE WAS INSIDE. I PUT ON CLOTHES AND APPROACHED AND FOUND HIM DEFECATING ON THE FLOOR. HAD HAIR LOOKED LIKE A DOORMAT. EYES WERE BUGGY LIKE I REMEMBER ON MEN IN VIETNAM. I HAD A SHOTGUN AND TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO CLEAN UP THE DEFECATE. BUT I AM OLD (71 NOW) AND MADE A MISTAKE, RETURNING TO THE HOUSE TO GET A HOSE AND BUCKET. HE RAN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE INTERSTATE AND I DIDNOT FOLLOW."
I'm not sure what is the funniest part about this rambling. Perhaps it is the fact that it was on Craig's list. Perhaps it's because the scenario sounds like the first back to the future movie where MJF drives into the barn with the space car and the alien suit (minus the defecation of course), no, I'm pretty sure it is the "ALL CAPS" motif used by the angry dude. To continue,
"MY MESSAGE IS THIS: GET YOUR PEOPLE IN ORDER "PHISH". AND NEVER COME TO ALPINE VALLEY AGAIN. SHAME ON YOU. I AM POSTING ON CRAIGLIST BECAUSE I HAVE USED IT TO SELL TRUCK PARTS AND LAWN FURNTITURE AND DOUBT AN EDITOR'S LETTER IN THE JOURNAL/SENTINEL WILL REACH "PHISH" PEOPLE, WHO MY NEIGHBOR SAYS ARE MOSTLY FROM ILLINOIS OR EASTCOAST. I AM ALSO LOOKING FOR AN APOLOGY FROM THE MAN WHO COMMITTED THIS ACT. HE LEFT BEHIND A WHITE HAT WITH AN ALIEN ON IT. ALSO A GLASS THING. I AM GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY."
So you are saying that you want the transient from either Illinois or the east coast to come back to collect his hat and "glass thing," to give you an appology after you approached him with a shotgun? Good luck sir. I have to believe this is a joke, because if it is not, it's 173,592 times funnier than anything Rick Reilly has ever written.
But if you are a Phish fan, unlike this fellow, here you go. Every show up to 2000, thank the Thrillho and his nerdy, dirty, dirty hippie ways.
Bernie Kosar may be broke, but at least his mom didn't cancel his World of Warcraft subscription:
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