| 17 September 2009
If you have Directv, then I don't have to tell you already how awesome week 1 was. If you don't have Directv.....Well I shouldn't be talking to you anyway because you are stupid or live in an apartment. Either way, you suck.
Free Sunday Ticket, for one week. Every channel in high definition, the Mix channel, Red Zone channel, OHHHHHHHHH WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. The only problem is, now I want to buy it again, but won't because I'm fucking broke. Now I either have to go to a bar and operate on a budget, or watch bullshit games from shitty Florida teams. The only good news is that the Jaguars will be blacked out, so I don't need to watch Tory Holt not catch balls anymore. Oh, and by the way, nice game Bengals.
Not bad, not bad. Now, back to the Jaguars. Who saw this one coming?
Really, people in North Florida who love Tim Tebow, want the local team to draft Tim Tebow, no shit? So the Jags assume that ticket sales of the throngs of the Tebow and his god-loving army will offset the shitty records they will have in the future. If that's true, then you might as well pack up the team and ship them off to Mexico City, London, or ewwwww Los Angeles. Mark my words; if the Jaguars are attempting to sell tickets by drafting one person instead of focusing on winning games, then they are already gone. This is a move that I'd expect from an MLS team, an AFL team, the UFL, the USFL, but not the NFL.
Leodis McKelvin, the goat in the early Monday Night Football game got his lawn spray painted after the Bills lost against the Patriots. So, the good news is that the culprits were neighborhood teenagers, because if not, NFL players might be arming themselves with fucking rocket launchers. If you think I am shitting you, read this article from last year. NFL players fear for their lives more than ever since the Sean Taylor murder, and are borderline crazy about their security. If you think it's funny to fuck with a meathead's shit, you will be sorely mistaken.
Dunta Robinson is a douche bag. I guess he was taking lessons from ass bag Owen Daniels who used his Facebook page in the offseason to bitch about not getting paid enough. Dickholes, there is a recession on. Who cares if you put a fucking message on your shoes or social media page of choosing to make a statement? Dunta, you ended up getting fined $25,000 for your stunt. So, now you aren't getting a contract extension for the time being, AND you are out an additional 25k. I'm not a wealth manager, but you are a fucking idiot. Also, your name is stupid. Finally, you are so irrelevant I can't find a good photo of you on the Interwebs.
Review
Bengals and Colts, go die in a hole until you learn to cover. Fucking Chad Ochocinco and his seventy-five million fucking tweets and his moving in with Carson Palmer in the offseason fucked me up. The Bengals still suck, and the Colts aren't awesome, although the Jaguars most certainly do suck.
So, you are saying this Peterson guy might do well this season? Apparently Brett Favre was on to something. Why did you suck so bad Tavares Jackson? How hard was your fucking job? Hand off left, hand off right. See, it's simple.
Tampa is going to be terrible. I think the Bills will beat them by 20. If Patrick Crayton and Miles Austin are tearing the secondary apart, then holy shit balls, T.O. will have 20 catches this week while dropping 15. Lee Evans might have 17 touchdowns this week. Also, Tony Romo is a big pile of shit because he plays for the Cowboys and dumps chicks that buy him boats.
Bets
1. New England -4 @ New York Jets
So Mark Sanchez has equaled the amount of starts he had in college after playing one week in the NFL, right? And the Patriots still understand how to play defense, right? Four points is a gift.
New England 32- NYJ 13
$50
2. Minnesota -10 @ Detroit
I'm going to ride the Peterson train "All Day," get it? I'll play the Vikes until they don't cover. Considering the fact that the NFL banned substances suspensions of two big, fat defensive lineman didn't take because of some obscure Minnesota law, the Vikings can contend! Detroit is so shitty that ten points won't be nearly enough to mask the years of terrible personnel moves by Matt "How The Shit Did I Get Another Job" Millen.
Minnesota 35- Detroit 10
$25
AND NOW FOR MY
Pittsburgh -3 @ Chicago
Before I make my prediction confidently, allow me to explain that this is the first "trap bet" of the season. It looks too good to be true. You've been warned. I'm starting to think the Bears will feed me a big shit sandwich here.
Pittsburgh is going 2-0. After this game, the big, fat Steelers fans and the big, fat Bears fans can go eat some deep dish pizza. Bears fans can bitch about their franchise quarterback and the Steelers fans can wipe the grease of their faces with their stupid piss yellow mung rags.
Pittsburgh 24- Chicago 10
$75
4. New Orleans @ Philadelphia OVER 46
New Orleans could do this on their own, then give the Eagles three touchdowns on interceptions returned for a touchdown.
New Orleans 50 Philadelphia 51
$50
Record
2-2
$$$ +75
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