| 01 June 2010
Who is worse? Lebron James vs. Brett Favre
What?
Worse? Lebron? Favre?
They are gods amongst men. I can't wake up and get through a half a cup of coffee before the thought pops in my head. Will Favre retire? Is Lebron going to stay in Cleveland? Does Lebron wake up in the morning and shower his waffles with powdered sugar like he does the powder trick before the games? What does Brett Favre have playing on his Walkman before games?
Wrong! The saddest moment of every year for me is 10 minutes after the Super Bowl. It's not because I just lost 500 Dollars. It's not because there won't be football for 7 months, as a Bills fan that's refreshing thought. It's because I know it's the beginning of the Brett Favre Saga.
This off-season I was excited because I looked into the future and I saw the Lebron Saga on the horizon. I thought, "This is new." I know it might be slightly annoying but anything has to be better than the hell Brett Favre puts me through every year. I was wrong. I was ignorant, I was silly, but I found it intriguing.
Then the Cavs lost. And everything changed. Lebron stormed to the locker room after a tremendous performance. He ripped off the jersey, ala Patrick Roy after his last game a Montreal Canadian. And the floodgates opened. It was like dynamite went off at Hoover Dam.
What's going to happen? The scenarios people are coming up with, as a sign of what will come is insane.
But he wants to win now.
But he wants to be "The King" in NY.
But the Wizards got the first overall draft pick.
But he wants to trump Kobe in LA.
But Coach K is going to the Nets.
But Obama wants him to go to Chicago
Be careful about what you wish for because I got it, It is unbearable.
Then it happened, it got worse. Brett Favre had his ankle surgery, and I found myself in the 7th circle of hell. The Favre Saga melded with the Lebron Saga and it was like feeding a Mogwai after midnight.
Apparently, nothing else going on in any other sport so they have to cover these two topics. There are no Finals are going on for both hockey and basketball. Baseball is not in mid-season swing, and even Ozzie Guillen is not blowing up in typical Guillen fashion.
That lead me to where we are today.
Who is worse? Lebron or Brett Favre.
They are very similar in a lot of ways. They love the media frenzy, but they don't often speak. They like to keep the media guessing instead of telling them what's going on. When Brett had ankle surgery the media came out and said, "That's a sign he's coming back." You know what would've been a better sign? If he sent one of his infamous texts saying "I'm coming back."
Same with Lebron, why won't he tell us what his intentions are? Even Chris Bosh gave his agent 5 teams he wanted to go to. He's being interviewed by Larry King tonight. I'm willing to wager the questions are going to be pre-written by the Lebron Camp and no questionswill be answered.
Because in their minds if we are not talking about them, good, bad or indifferent they don't exist they are just going to fade away like Michael J. Fox in "Back to the Future" if he doesn't help McFly bone his mom.
So "scientifically" let's go through these Attention Nymphos lives and see who the ultimate Narcissist truly is.
Birthplace
Brett Favre : Gulfport, Mississippi
On the ocean, the ocean makes you feel small. Water for as far as the eye can see. Possible shrinkage after going in on a cold day. I see how that could give you self-esteem issues. Also only 40,000 people there when he was born, now over 70,000 in his lifetime it has almost doubled and he believes it's all because of him.
Lebron James : Akron, Ohio
Akron is Rubber City. He's rubber your glue whatever you say bounces off of him and sticks to you. That alone gave him confidence at a young age. The population of the city has fallen since he's been born, and he thinks that's because they all moved to Cleveland.
Who's the bigger douche? It was going to be a push but then I remembered four letters O-H-I-O.
Ancestry and Early years
Brett Favre
Born in Kiln Mississippi. a town of 2,000. His father was his High School Coach and only let him throw 5 balls a game. Even he thought he was garbage. Born of French and Native American Ancestry. Thus he has a natural taste for firewater and distaste for personal hygiene.
Lebron James
Not much available. Born of humble beginnings, single mom, which means he was a spoiled brat. His father was an ex-con, thus where he got his ability to rack up the steals. Moved around a lot which means he's very occupancy agile.
Who's the bigger douche? He's FRENCH!
Professional Career
Brett Favre
Drafted in the 2nd round by the Falcons, same team that drafted Michael Vick. He has played 18 Seasons, 1 Super Bowl Win, hence he wins the big one 5% of the time. Two Super Bowl Appearances, he has retired as many times. He has thrown more interceptions than any other quarterback. Luckily, he has thrown more touchdowns as well. 3 time MVP, 11 Pro Bowl appearances.
Lebron James
Professional career? He's younger than me and I still don't have a professional career. 1st overall draft pick. He had more hype than any player has ever had in any sport at any time, and lived up to the hype. He won Rookie of the Year, is a 2 time MVP, Scoring Champion. Gold Medal winner. Downside is his post season play. He has only made the Conference finals once. He has never made it to the NBA Finals. Good news, he is only 25.
Who's the puss from the pimple? It would take me a week to drink as many beers as interceptions he's thrown!
Endorsements
Brett Favre
Wrangler Jeans. I remember people in KMART would feel bad for you if you wearing those Stonewashed from the stone-age garments. Snapper, Inc. I honestly don't know what that is, but with those endorsements combined, I could Wrangle some Snapper, and that's always a good time.
Lebron James
Who doesn't he endorse? Insert Door Knob / everyone gets a turn joke here. Nike, Vitamin Water, Bubblicious, McDonald's, and State Farm. When I get the drunken munchies, I love Mcdonalds. When I'm driving drunk, I'm covered by State Farm. When I'm running from the Cops, I wear my Nikes. When I wake up sleeping in a ditch, I rejuvenate myself with Vitamin Water. When I show up to work, I hide the smell of booze with Bubbilicous.
Who's the Communist? I left out Sensodyne, for the people over 80 that still have teeth.
Nickname
Brett Favre
"Iron Man"
He's not even the Number 1 Iron Man. That title now belongs to Robert Downey Jr. I'm willing to wager had Favre retired the first time, he would've gotten the role of Iron Man, they had to pull Robert Downey out of the gutter for that role anyways.
Lebron James
"The King"
With the ability to endorse North Korea if he so chooses, he endorses McDonalds over Burger King, and Burger King's King is the coolest creepiest Mascot around.
Who's the Swamp Ass? Favre's nickname was given to him during the Iron Age. Lebron chose to endorse a company that was the nemesis of his given nickname.
And the winner of the best media whore to ever exist in sports, by a narrow 3-2 Margin is...
Was there really any question? Lebron is one of the top 5 best athletes on the planet regardless of what happens to him there's going to be a media frenzy around him. Brett Favre has an elaborate plan to keep the media talking about him. He uses his ammunition very carefully. Once the media has forgotten about him, he draws them back with a nice little pearl. Then when runs out of ammo, he goes suicide bomber on the media and retires and that should be the end of it. But then he rises ashes like the Phoenix, unretires and starts the cycle all over again! I've never understood people's obsession with him. He's not really that good. He's just played forever. He looks like a homeless hillbilly and has more drama than a virgin on prom night. But America loves him and that's why we have to pay attention to him.
Congratulations Brett Favre, you make Snooki look well-adjusted!
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