Bleachers Other Sports Lance prepares to sodomize France... again
| 10 July 2009
I'll admit it, I was wrong. I didn't think that Lance should come out of retirement to race the Tour de France this year. However, after a four year hiatus which included activities such as dating Kate Hudson, partying with Matthew Mcconaughey, running a marathon, (supposedly) sleeping with an Olsen twin, etc. Lance is back...and is surprisingly (or in retrospect not so surprisingly) still a bad ass on a bike. According to Lance he came out of retirement to 'raise cancer awareness', and was not planning on winning the tour. Clearly with his past experiences he wants to raise cancer awareness, but NOT WIN THE TOUR!!?? RIGGGGHHHHTT...and Michael Jackson gave little boys wine and let them share his bed because he wanted to be platonic friends with them (too soon?). But lets be honest, Lance really has three goals this year;
- Raise awareness for cancer,
- Fuck over the French,
- Win the tour.
Why does Lance care so much about sodomizing the French prison style? In 1997 Lance rode for the French team Cofidis. When he was diagnosed with cancer and told he would never ride a bike again Cofidis dropped him and refused to pay his medical bills. Lance sold everything to try and pay for his cancer treatments. When he still couldn't afford treatments his other sponsors (no so ironically American sponsors) Oakley and Nike stepped up and payed for all his treatments even though he was never supposed to ride again. Then, as the story goes, Lance came back from cancer and won France's equivalent of the super bowl in 1999 on an American sponsored team (US Postal Service) , riding an American bike (Trek), with all American teammates...and just for effect he did it 6 more years in a row.
Fast forward to present day. Lance comes back 4 years after retirement and races for free. Not only is he not taking money from his Kazahkstan based team (Astana), but he is selling all his tour gear (including his bikes which are supposedly going to be auctioned for $30,000+) to donate to cancer research. 
Lance has single handedly turned the French countryside from smelly-baguette carrying-red wine drinking-fondue eating-spandex pink shirt wearing-borderline homosexual Frenchies into Texas flag flying-amber bock funneling-t-bone steak grilling-firework shooting-wife beater wearing-tailgating Americans. They have tried everything to stop him from winning the Tour from changing the course to attempting to frame him for drugs (Note: Lance is the most drug tested athlete in the world). Nothing has worked. This year the French are banning race radios (which is how riders communicate with their team manager and teammates to know whats going on the course) but only on a couple stages...of course they are only going ban them on the mountain stages Lance typically dominates hoping he won't know how far ahead or behind other riders are.
Oh...and whatever happened to that Cofidis team that was contractually obligated, but refused to pay Lance's medical bills ? Well, because the French organizers are pick what teams are allowed to race every year Cofidis has been racing in the tour ever year, even though they have never won as a team or had a rider win the tour. Cofidis in the Tour de France is like the morbidly obese acne covered guy at prom, they are just glad be there...meanwhile, Lance is in the back of the limo having sex with the Prom Queen.
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The French fired on landing American troops in North Africa during WW II--nothing's changed.
Like I been saying, The Boss is Back!
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