| 27 March 2009
I've been meaning to pen this piece for some time for you degenerates out there. Sometimes you need a drink, and either the cost is too high or the damn places frown upon your desire to imbibe. Here are some real life tips that have worked for the armchair crew in our many, many capers.
1. Stadiums
American Stadiums can be difficult places to sneak your beverages into in the post 9/11 world we live in, especially college games. As a gift once I received the Beer Belly.
From the picture, you can see the beer belly looks like a great tool. It has a nearly indestructible insulated bladder with a simple hose housed in a neoprene sling. It holds up to 80 ounces of hooch. It is pretty revolutionary, but both times I have tried to use it I have had problems with the connection between the bladder and the hose. It seems to leak and I have ended up soaked both times. Additionally, while it feels like real skin, if you get caught trying to bring this in, you may get curb stomped by some overzealous security guards which with ruin your experience.
A simple solution for stadiums is getting a plastic water bottle, stomping it so it lays flat, then pouring liquor into it. You can still get 10-12 ounces of booze into the flattened water bottle, and if you hide it in your crotch you can easily pass the pat down test. Additionally, I'd rather lose a water bottle than a flask with sentimental value.
If you are in certain places in SEC country where the pat downs can be quite scrutinous, you need to find a woman who can sneak your booze in for you.
In places where girls get dressed to the "nines," I have heard of people taping flasks and other containers to their inner thighs to allude detection.
I'd recommend not using the formerly popular "barnoculars", which no longer pass the scrutiny test.
You can also try a product that looks like a simple seat cushion, but has a bladder system on the inside to conceal your alcohol. Unfortunately it has a zipper, which if opened will reveal your nefarious plan.
The real problem these days is you still need to avoid detection in the stadium now a days because most venues now have a text line where other people can report you anonymously to security. I think people who report the drunk and rowdy at games are about as cool as spammers. Seriously suck it up.
2. Movie Theaters
These are by far the easiest places to sneak beers into, especially in the winter months. All it takes is a hoodie and some cargo pants dear readers.
2 beers in each cargo pocket, one in each front pocket, one in the hoodie pocket and one or two in the hood itself. Simply tighten your belt and enjoy....Please note though, be quiet when cracking your cold ones in the movie, wait for loud explosions. If watching a drama, bring a flask of booze, you'll probably need it anyway. Besides, I like drinking while watching movies at home, so who's going to tell me I can't do it in public? Even if you do get caught by the 18 year old usher, he might pull you aside to make a beer run for him later in the evening....You may come out on top in the end.
3. Concerts
Stick with my stadium rules here kids. Event security is real tough usually at arena shows.
4. Kentucky Derby, Preakness
I have never seen so much alcohol abuse as I did in each of my trips to Louisville. Since drinking there is almost encouraged, and it is a party atmosphere it certainly seems strange that they would confiscate so much liquid entertainment. The rub is, they want you to buy THEIR booze, and the staff (cops included) meticulously go through all your shit including sunblock. Though some people stay up all night injecting booze into frozen juice boxes, I got a better idea for you.
If you are a total lush and have the time, the juice box scheme will always work. As for the sunblock bottles......it's 50/50 at best and I don't want to drink out of a sunblock bottle anyway.
The trick here is to use your folding camping chairs wisely. Before folding the chair, simply put a few pints of your favorite liquors into the seat, then fold them up as usual. Since the crowd is so large, they will feel around your chair through the nylon carrying case, but they don't have the time to search EACH chair. Since it is folded up, they won't find it.
Use these camping chairs. I'd recommend the chairs with arms because the added bars and material will help disguise your spirits.
Keep in mind though, these guys are assholes and won't even allow umbrellas in.
As for the Preakness, they just outlawed booze for the first time this year so I'm not sure how security will deal with it. I bet it will be not too strict to start, but will increase in the years to come. Here's why the Preakness people outlawed bring in alcohol after many years of an open BYOB policy.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
5. Cruises
I learned this one from a coworker, and it worked for him. It's not ideal, but to avoid those high prices you gotta do what you gotta do.
What you will need to do is bring only clear liquors, put them into appropriate mouthwash bottles then use food dye. So as not to arouse suspicion it is advisable that each cruise participant carry their own bottle on board. Ahoy!
Send me your solutions to hard drinking situations. In this economy, you gotta do what you gotta do.
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Comments (5)
Subscribe to this comment's feedFlattened Water Bottle
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preakness and derby
oh and how bout the derby and those mud fights (was that 2004?) i seem to remember wading in 2 feet of water and watching drunkards hurl sod at terrell davis, hahaha, that's awesome
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Best/worst place
In other news, the emoticon selection is fabulous!
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