| 18 May 2009
A month ago on Yahoo Answers, a user posted a question that received some very harsh and vitriolic answers:
My wife is thirty now and she has put on a few pounds ever since she had 2 kids. She asks me why I never buy her anything nice anymore or why we never have sex anymore. I have told her to lose some weight because I am not physically attracted to her anymore. All she says is that I'm shallow and a jerk and that women in magazines are fake. That is just an excuse for women to be lazy and I am tired of it. Girls like Megan Fox are not real? When I look at a magazine who am I looking at if it's not her. She asks if she looks fat in a dress, obviously, you're fat so none of them make you look skinny. What can I do because I am ready to leave her?
Here's a sampling of some of the responses to is candid - if not touchy - question:
- [Y]ou don't deserve your wife or any woman. you're a freaking loser. if you do end up with someone else, i hope she destroys you. i bet you're just as big. instead of complaining why don't you make plans to exercise and eat right with her? she had your kids you piece of ****
- It means you only married her for one thing. You don't love her. Let another man marry her and show her a good time then. There's plenty of men who don't care about weight and actually love women for who they are. Seriously let another man go in the bedroom and do her good. So divorce her. She deserves way better than you. A man who will love her regardless of her weight. You're a pig.
- I don't see your picture on here, Mr Perfect, but I'm betting that having children didn't hurt your figure at all.
Perhaps, instead of dragging her down, you might give her some encouragement.
And, yes, you really ARE shallow. Love should be deeper than that. I can tell you right now how she can lose about 20 pounds of ugly fat...knock your head off.
I will disclose that in the past I have posted several "troll" questions to get a rise out of people on Yahoo Answers and I suspect that was this person's intention with the question. Nevertheless, the user certainly touched a collective nerve and his responses speak to the incredible insecurity of many women over not simply the issue of post-childbirth weight but weight in general, particularly in the context of a committed relationship.
It hardly seems like a particularly moral or decent thing to leave one's spouse over the weight that they have gained post-marriage. Nevertheless, I still think there is no topic that is off-limits for at least philosophical speculation and this may be among one of the most important questions people in committed relationships never ask each other.
At first glance it seems incredibly shallow for a man to ditch his wife or a woman to cheat on her husband because of their partner's expanding waistline. After all, whether theirs was a religious or civil wedding every, couple takes an oath to uphold their marriage through better or worse, rich or poor. While I don't think that most people would accept a person for ditching his or her partner because they got fat, I suppose I must admit there are some considerations that should be thought through before passing judgment.
Let's face it; most people only really have a period of sexual appeal that lasts at most 30 years. In other words, no one will always be sexually attractive throughout the course of their marriage. It just doesn't work that way. Any couple that expects that they'll still be as turned on be each other at 62 as at 26 will be in for a big surprise at 52 when wrinkles, hanging skin and fat deposits below the belt (FUPA) start to appear. A marriage should be built on something stronger than that.
On the other hand, during the prime of their attractiveness, why should a couple not want to be enticing to each other? Is that too much to ask? And as a condition of marriage, is it alright to outright demand that your spouse maintains a certain level of attractiveness to you while you both are in the prime of your sexual vigor?
I think these are the types of questions that make people very uncomfortable. Nobody likes to think of his or herself as potentially being alone, particularly if the reason is one that seems superficial. I'm not married, in fact, I'm single, but I don't think I'm out of line to have an opinion on this. Nobody should expect their partner to be a swimsuit model or Adonis (Lord knows, I don't have washboard abs). At the same time, no one should have to sit back while their spouse gorges his or herself during the prime of their lives and becomes unattractive to them. If a woman wouldn't accept her husband's constant boozing, and problem gambling, why should she also have to accept his sedentary lifestyle; laying around on a couch and growing a massive gut that turns her off sexually? I don't think that's too much to ask out of a relationship with someone you will be spending decades with.
A relationship expert I am certainly not, but I don't think it's acceptable for someone to assume that his or her partner will accept them no matter what they willfully do to their body. It actually seems quite unfair, really.
It is unlikely that any judge overseeing a divorce would decide grounds based upon on a plaintiff's weight. On the other hand, if a marriage is to last - and we know far too many don't last - maybe the couple should set down some ground rules. Reasonable ground rules.
I've been thinking about this a lot because I wonder how many marriages dissolve on things like this. Ultimately though, I guess being unmarried, most people wouldn't value my opinion on this.
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