| 03 June 2009
Just when I thought I couldn't make fun of Matt Millen any longer, he goes and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF! Apparently, news from PFT came out that this douche accepted his position at ESPN with the understanding that he would also appear in the Monday Night Football booth if a job became open. While this is funny because Millen is one of the worst executives in the history of professional sports, it also casts a really shitty light on the mega conglomerate ESPN is becoming. The World's Worst CEO was completely under qualified for his position with the Lions, a seat he dutifully kept warm for seven seasons without any idea as to what he was doing. The beauty in all of this is that Millen apparently is now upset that ESPN has given John Gruden a spot in the Monday Night Football booth after he shunned NFL Network's offer of work. So while Millen can still somehow live with himself due to his constant luck of landing high paying, high profile positions that others could do better, (and would do cheaper) this fuck whines because he's not getting paid more for a second gig. This humor comes into place that while the WWL is paying this bloated salary, they have begun their layoffs.
"Do you know how much it enrages people all across the world that you are gainfully employed? Do you know how much it makes less fortunate people want to fishhook you until your cheeks are behind your ears? There are people out there desperately looking for jobs. Good people. Smart people. People eminently qualified to do any number of things: nursing, contracting, consulting, selling life insurance, TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL FOR THREE HOURS A WEEK. These people are busting their balls just to find a job so that they can pay rent, or buy food, or see the doctor, or pay for any number of life's obligatory expenses. AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO COMPLAIN?
DIE. DIE FOREVER"
In other employment items, from the newscasts I've seen the recession is over for educated people. While the majority of the mouth breathers are still trying to find work, unemployment for people with college degrees is still under 5% according to the mid day news that I saw recently. Hooray, it's over everyone, it's gone the way of high gas prices and swine flu! No more worries, except for me of course who can't land an interview at Target or Home Depot. I'm not even getting call backs for volunteer opportunities. Seriously, one woman who was employed at the local humane society was caught fucking a dog and a teenager. SHE WAS PAID to work there, but apparently the humane society has no recourse to protect the dog she adopted from the shelter. Good news though, this has made Florida revisit their lack of bestiality laws.
Here's an article I found about the whiny class of 2009, (remember they can eat shit) while it's a pretty bland newspaper article, the comments are the real hilarity. Look at all the people blaming Jimmy Carter, Barack Obama, George Bush, China, and the American college system for our nation's woes. Note the people commenting without college degrees, they will be the ones with rage.
But don't sweat it, here comes the expert!
A Recap:
- Use your network: Holy shit, what a remarkable idea! Contacting people you know, electronically in some cases for them to help you get a job? This is some next level shit. This is revolutionary, like when The Matrix hit movie theatres in 1999. What is this "book of faces" and this "linkedin" you speak of you wise, sultry "expert"?
- Should I take any job or my dream job? Wait, you are telling me to find something that pays the bills if that is the reality of my situation? Once again, that's some groundbreaking shit. In other news water is still wet and males are born with genitals. This expert's term for taking a shit job, "stop the bleeding," well someone get the fucking patent office on the line.
- Energy Drains: In her book, she describes three things that cause said drains:
- Left over resentment- Hmmm, yes I am mad that my life is on hold so someone could use all the companies money on themselves. Good point, I hadn't considered this.
- Friends and family can be a weight on you- So long pals, you be bringing this unemployed mother fucker down. See you on the flip-side when I can once again gloat about my wealth.
- Make sure your physical environment is supportive of a fresh start- Wait, what? Dear walls, I want to be a haberdasher. Dogs, I really feel that your lack of understanding my fresh start is putting a damper on our relationship. Television, I know you are entertaining, but your beautiful HD picture is not realizing my need to be me.
Wait, wait. Here it comes again, I need to be social. The only shock was that I didn't see that I should start my own business on this segment. You know by using easy credit and a shitty business plan to create a small business in a field with something I really want to do! That's by far my favorite. What bank in their right mind would loan me money for anything? What collateral do I have besides two slightly used dogs? Dear "experts" your books blow, get a real fucking job finding me a job then I will consider you an expert. Your bullshit happy talk in four minute segments is worth fuck for those who already figured out these methods without your assistance.
Moving on, last night I caught NBC's second offering of "I used to have self-worth, but now I'm a shitty hack trying to get my name in the news again so I hopefully can land more jobs" show last night. I must say, whoever this Spencer Pratt person is he is so unintentionally funny I hope he and his brain dead wife Heidi are not gone from the show for good. Because 12 year old girls everywhere will be tweeting sad shit on their computers.
For those of you not in the know, apparently these "celebrities" are dropped in the jungle and take part in shitty tasks, embarrass themselves so that they can win money by being the last competitor standing. The money goes to the charity of their choice. This is shocking because some of the cast members including Janice Dickinson obviously have no sense of the world surrounding them.
Here's a clip:
The only people on the show that have redeeming value are John Salley (why is he on the show) and Lou Diamond Phillips......in your best Chappelle voice, "he was in Young Guns man, Young Guns." Most of these other freaks are reality star royalty, bums who clamor to hang on with a G.I. Joe grip to anything that will get them on television. Those people, Jose Canseco and Ann Coulter should be sterilized.
Then again, much like Matt Millen, Spencer Pratt will continue to get work while I call the humane society again to see if they will accept my request to volunteer again. Au revoir!
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