Written by Smokey McTrees | 07 June 2009

Admit it.  You want to be black.  Unless you already ARE black, then you sure as fuck don't want to be black because you know more then anybody that being black sucks!  But for you white folks out there the grass is always greener, ain't it?  Man, wouldn't it be nice if those white bitches came back to you?  Wouldn't it be great if you could dance and play a rhythm instrument?  And that penis....well, you know what I'm getting at.

400 years of bullshit to get where we are now?  Forget it, man.  A BLACK DUDE IS THE PRESIDENT!  Can't you see that?  Wouldn't it be great to be part of the trend-setting race that started Rhythm-and-Blues, Rap, Funk, hell even ROCK music?  Man, wouldn't it be great to truly justify your love for fried chickenz?

The funny thing is, most white kids under the age of 30 are silently nodding along to the above nonsense!  Proving they don't really have a clue what has happened throughout history, white folks see a black man's swagger and all that other media/stereotypical perpetrated nonsense and recognize it is the ultimate in COOL.  Yet black folks know that people don't look at them the same and they do still, in fact make white folks nervous.  They also realize that in general no one still really gives a flying fuck about them.  Example: One pretty blonde ex-cheerleader missing in Aruba, holy fuck!  ANOTHER WHITE BITCH IS DEAD.  Compare that to the hundreds of black males that are murdered each year and one wonders if it truly is COOL to be black.  Factor is the "harmless" racism that is found predominantly on "Anonymous" message boards and image sites and you wonder just what the advantage having black skin may get you...

Malt Liquor.  Was it invented to poison the black community?  Naw, but it sure as hell found itself a useful tool to do so anyways!  Cheap brew and low-income neighborhoods go together like Root Beer and vanilla ice cream!  And SURPRISE!  Quite a few "low-income" communities consist of....BLACK FOLK!!!!  So, yeah, one can see that there is an awfully strange coincidence about that.  See also:Cocaine, Crack.  A cheaper product for a cheaper market.

So because us white folk loves us some Blackness, we have begun drinking the malt liquor in full force to emulate our heroes.  Bug Business is not stupid.  They see the slight current of white elitism that exists, usually in the low-income sector.  So they created a malt liquor for WHITE FOLK.  There was no overt reason why only white folk would love it.  But one look at the friendly green faux-irish bottle and happy Gaelic name and you can tell Mickey's skews a little different.  Get Stung!

Mickey's is made by the fine folks who bring you Miller Lite, so one would be surprised to note that Mickey's tastes more like Pabst or some such other shit.  Which to me at least isn't a bad thing.  The most amazing thing about Mickey's is how it NEVER GOES FUCKING FLAT.  If you drop your can of Mickey's on the ground, don't fret.  Have someone throw it back to you, and the swill will still bubble up.  That's a strong positive right there.

Overall, Mickey's taste like a malt made for frat boyz should: bland, innoffensive, and semi-strong.  no St. Ides, this stuff may take a few Four-Ohs, but eventually a little Irish Leprechaun will show up on your shoulder and demand you burn things...Mickey's has been all over the place lately, especially if you watch UFC, so I guess the time was right to talk about the stuff...but it's just so...boring that I can't get past the marketing strategy it was spawned from.

HARDCORE MUTHAFUCKA DRINKIN A MICKEY'S

Written by Smokey | 17 April 2009

Thrillho, LWN and I stagger into Tops, Buffalo and Western New York's evil empire grocery chain. We are too lazy to get the good shit at the local bodega, cause that Indian motherfucker that runs it shorted Thrillho on his change from buying two deuces. Tops mat be cheesy, but they are honor-bound to give us proper change. As long as we deal with the fucking fifty-year old retired cop with a crew-cut that follows us around in his two-sizes-too-short polo shirt. Yes, we may be sloshed, but we are honorable men. Plus, none of us had bail money. I had spent mine last week after mooning a police car (another story for later)

We trudge towards the malt liquor section and it catches our eyes. That most humorous of malted beverages...

Some of you may know that Thrillho and I are Neil Young die-hards. We have both been to many concerts but one we agree that is in our top 5 would be Neil and Crazy Horse live at Bonnaroo. So we would never pass up a chance to associate something stupid like buying forties with our Neil obsession. Some of you may also know the semi-popular Neil Young song, "Like a Hurricane".

Written by Love Without Nagel | 31 March 2009

NOTICE:  Don't drink if you are under 21.

The AC crew is made almost fully of degenerates and reformed degenerates, thus we have spent some time playing and creating some juvenile drinking games in our days.  I've compiled a list for you dear readers to liven up your weekends, week nights and mornings, if that's your thing.

Written by Smokey McTrees | 28 March 2009

A long time ago, a retarded kid and I had a task to complete.  A task that some folks might call a "menial task", but anyone with half a brain would call it a "shit job".  I suppose you can surmise that the retarded kid called it a menial task.  But he was a retard, and couldn't say "menial".  So instead he called it a "Happymeal Task".  So this retard and me, we get the unenviable task of cleaning out the garbage shed of the group home where said retard lived and I worked at.  This was no mere garbage shed.  This place was a fucking mess like you wouldn't believe.  Imagine, if you will, a 8' by 6' by 4' box filled with maggoty garbage cans.  Almost every bag stuffed in these cans was ripped open from some animal.  And instead of, you know, putting one bag neatly in each can, the retard house decided it could cram like 4 bags in each can.  I forgot to mention it was a hot summer's day.  I also forgot to mention my sidekick retard thought he was gay.

So we dive headfirst into our chore. Really. In the retard's case, he literally DOVE headfirst into his duty.  You haven't lived until you've picked maggots out of a gay retard's hair while he cries hysterically.  It's funnier then it sounds.  The real clincher for me was the smell.  First it was subtle.  Then as we made our way further into the shed it got steadily worse.  Yet it was hard to pinpoint exactly what it was.  A garbage shed is a bouquet of several smells.

Written by Smokey McTrees | 20 March 2009

Ahhh...waking up on a fresh Tennesee morning.  The sun is out, birds are singing, and fresh-cut grass is wafting through the----UGH ARGFHG...My stomach...NOOOO!!!!

And that, my friends, is how I shit my pants from drinking too much King Cobra in the hot summer sun at the inaugural Bonnaroo festival.

Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself here.  In fact I am sure I am getting ahead of myself.  Let's put it this way.  Do we remember in the early to mid nineties when malt liquor was the drink of choice for our favorite rappers?  Now we see folks like 50 Cent chugging his Vitamin Water or Jay-Z sipping cognacs but my heart still lies in a more innocent time when beer was BEER and the proof was up a lil' bit higher so you could get DRUNK.

This column is for all you muthafuckin' gangsta Armchair Culture readers who don't know a pilsner from a lager.  Who don't give a fuck about micro brewed bullshit that tastes like stale coffee mixed with cinnamon tarts.  Who realize that beer is there to get you DRUNK and should come in large, forty ounce bottles.  Or even better, 22 oz. bottles so you can buy 2 bottles and get an extra four ounces for the same price!  That's hood savings right there!