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Smokey's Malt Liquor Corner

Written by Smokey McTrees | 20 March 2009

enjoying king cobra Ahhh...waking up on a fresh Tennesee morning. The sun is out, birds are singing, and fresh-cut grass is wafting through the----UGH ARGFHG...My stomach...NOOOO!!!!

And that, my friends, is how I shit my pants from drinking too much King Cobra in the hot summer sun at the inaugural Bonnaroo festival.

Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself here. In fact I am sure I am getting ahead of myself. Let's put it this way. Do we remember in the early to mid nineties when malt liquor was the drink of choice for our favorite rappers? Now we see folks like 50 Cent chugging his Vitamin Water or Jay-Z sipping cognacs but my heart still lies in a more innocent time when beer was BEER and the proof was up a lil' bit higher so you could get DRUNK.

This column is for all you muthafuckin' gangsta Armchair Culture readers who don't know a pilsner from a lager. Who don't give a fuck about micro brewed bullshit that tastes like stale coffee mixed with cinnamon tarts. Who realize that beer is there to get you DRUNK and should come in large, forty ounce bottles. Or even better, 22 oz. bottles so you can buy 2 bottles and get an extra four ounces for the same price! That's hood savings right there!

So sit back, crack open a forty, and let Smokey determine which brand of Malt Liqour is the best. It's a tough job, but I will do it for the love of you loyal readers out there.

So, let's start with King Cobra, the infamous Budweiser hybrid that caused me so much crotch discomfort during the first hippie music festival.

Ahhh...King Cobra...this takes me back to when my drummer's older cousin would hop to the local bodega and buy us these for our underage band practice. We used to love the faux scary labels and bland, unoffensive taste.If it were more popular, one could say King Cobra is the Bud Light of the malt collection. It is in fact made by Anheuser-Busch so it wouldn't suprise many folks if it were discovered that KC is just Bud Light that fell on the brewery spillage drain and mixed with cleaning chemicals. The spillage was then mopped up and bottled into forties. Slap a cheesy gold graphic of a Cobra on the label and you is done, son!

The slight drawback of this is KC has that "greasy" Bud feeling that flattens so many Anheuser-Busch products. So folks have to sip their Four-Ohs fast if they want to enjoy some bubble in their brew.

Don't mistake it's subtle pussy taste for no easy-time shit, though. It gets you feeling woozy after about 3 deuces, and your stomach will talk MAD shit to you. Especially if you are under the hot, hot sun. So enter at your own risk.

king cobra bottle king cobra cartoon

So if you like your beer tame and easy to sip, King Cobra may be for you. But if you like the fizz, then you better be either a super-chugger or at least a fast sipper. It WILL get you drunk.

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