The Pub Beer/Pub Reviews Smokey's Malt Liquor Corner Vol. 3
| 17 April 2009
Thrillho, LWN and I stagger into Tops, Buffalo and Western New York's evil empire grocery chain. We are too lazy to get the good shit at the local bodega, cause that Indian motherfucker that runs it shorted Thrillho on his change from buying two deuces. Tops mat be cheesy, but they are honor-bound to give us proper change. As long as we deal with the fucking fifty-year old retired cop with a crew-cut that follows us around in his two-sizes-too-short polo shirt. Yes, we may be sloshed, but we are honorable men. Plus, none of us had bail money. I had spent mine last week after mooning a police car (another story for later)
We trudge towards the malt liquor section and it catches our eyes. That most humorous of malted beverages...
Some of you may know that Thrillho and I are Neil Young die-hards. We have both been to many concerts but one we agree that is in our top 5 would be Neil and Crazy Horse live at Bonnaroo. So we would never pass up a chance to associate something stupid like buying forties with our Neil obsession. Some of you may also know the semi-popular Neil Young song, "Like a Hurricane".
As you may have surmised by now, we stumbled upon a large cache of Hurricane malt liquor, and began to belt out the chorus loudly, "You...rrrrr....jus'...liiiikkk...a..huuurrrricaaaane..." also aided by Thrillho making fun of the German student talking about the song in one of his Neil Young videos. The security guy was not amused, as he almost burst out of his too-tight polo. Somehow we managed to score the hooch, and thus begins the review:
Oh, Hurricane. Your distinctive logo adorns many things...hats, foam fingers, shirts, chick's asses...need I go on? Hurricane is the sister brew of our old pal, King Cobra. Yep the fine folks who make Bud Light make Hurricane. And that's not a surprise because like Busch and Budweiser, Hurricane is some greasy shit. I swear they use fucking lard to thicken it a bit or something. If you are experiencing constipation, I suggest you grab a forty of this shit and chug, chug, chug...you WILL poop. Or your money back. I think Anheuser-Busch made the label look like a trendy natural disaster to capture the St. Ides crowd but I am not really sure.
This is another forty whose swill you want to be wary of. When Hurricane goes flat, it has a slight taste not unlike battery acid. Now before all of you pieces of shit go, "Smokey, how do you know what battery acid tastes like?" I'd wager big bucks you licked a fucking Duracell when you were four also...just to see if it DID burn.
Well, it does, and so does flat fucking Hurricane. Got it? You followin' me camera guy?
So should you drink Hurricane? If you love Neil Young, yes you should. Because I guarantee you WILL karaoke that song until it pisses everyone else off every time you look at the label. But remember, kids, you have to drink it fast. Which again will make you DRUNK and POOP. Not exactly a first date brew. Yet I think Thrillho was drinking one when he met his wife. So Fuck it, it DOES bring the romance! Hurricane ain't half-bad!
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